Remember when we were kids, and a friend of our parents would face a crisis? I vividly recall my own mother springing into action, often seen preparing an extra casserole in her favorite dish with the snap-on lid. I never knew the full story; perhaps someone was ill or had suffered a loss. I would sit in the car while she delivered her homemade meal, waiting for her to return with the empty dish a week later.
Now, it’s our turn to navigate these challenging waters. It’s our friends who are grappling with serious illnesses or heartbreaking tragedies that leave us breathless. How did our mothers seem to instinctively know what to do?
When I received my breast cancer diagnosis just after turning 40, I found myself in a whirlwind of emotions. The moment I detected that pea-sized growth in my left breast, I knew I was facing a battle I hadn’t anticipated. Suddenly, I felt like the youngest patient in the oncology ward, often greeted with, “Oh, you’re so young to be here!” by the nurses as they began my chemotherapy. I just wanted to scream.
Then there was my well-meaning neighbor who bombarded me with unsolicited advice about alternative treatments she found online. “You really need to try Qiyong once a week,” she insisted. “And don’t forget Changquan if you want to feel better.” Finally, I snapped, “I don’t do things I can’t pronounce,” and stopped answering her calls. A friend from AA advised me that words like “should” and “need” often induce guilt. “Forget ‘should,’” she said, and from then on, it became my mantra.
Now, another friend, thousands of miles away, is facing her own daunting diagnosis. As I reflect on what helped me during my journey, I want to share some insights that may assist your friend as well.
Don’t Act Like She’s on Her Last Legs.
She’s not. When I was diagnosed, my business partner and sister-in-law urged me to retreat into bed and reflect on life’s blessings. I firmly told them, “I’m not dead yet!” and distanced myself from their well-meaning advice until I came out on the other side, hair regrown and feeling like myself again.
Send Cards and Notes.
There’s something incredibly uplifting about receiving real, handwritten mail. Choose cards that are funny, heartwarming, or lighthearted—just steer clear of the gloomy sympathy section. If you decide to send a card, don’t just sign your name; include a personal note. Remind her she’s in your thoughts, that you care, and yes, that cancer absolutely sucks. Avoid phrases like “God has a plan”; she’s likely not feeling that divine presence right now.
Take the Initiative to Help.
Don’t ask her what she needs; she’s probably too overwhelmed to answer. Instead, think of ways you can lend a hand. Offer to take her kids to school or activities, deliver dinner in a disposable dish, or even organize a group of friends to hire a cleaner for her home. When I was ill, a team of women I barely knew rallied together to provide meals for me four nights a week for six months. Just recalling their kindness brings tears to my eyes.
Send Care Packages.
Remember the joy of receiving care packages at summer camp or during college? They work wonders! Fill a box with cozy socks, gossip magazines, fun books, or even a squirt gun. One of the most thoughtful gifts I received was a beautiful wide-brimmed hat from my builder—he had gone through great trouble to find just the right one. That gesture meant more to me than he could imagine.
Don’t Vanish.
Even if you’re unsure how to help, just show up. Call. Do something. There was a woman who wasn’t even a close friend but managed to remember my chemo schedule. Each time I had to go for treatment, she’d call and say, “You’ve got another date with Kimo? He’s a real jerk!” It made me laugh every single time.
Cancer is a relentless adversary, affecting parts of our bodies that nurture life. Yet, as women, we possess an incredible strength, especially when we unite against such adversities. If you know someone facing this battle, I hope these suggestions prove useful.
As for me, I’m off to find a coconut bra and hula skirt for my friend on the East Coast. Maybe it’ll help lighten her spirits during chemo and give the nurses something to smile about. After all, none of us should be facing this ordeal alone.
In addition to supporting your friends, if you’re exploring options for starting a family, consider checking out this resource for an at-home insemination kit. They also have an excellent guide on intrauterine insemination if you’re looking for more information on family planning.
Summary:
Supporting a friend with cancer can be daunting, but simple, thoughtful gestures can mean the world. Avoid treating her like she’s on the brink of death; instead, show up, send notes, and take the initiative to help in practical ways. A little kindness can go a long way in making a difficult journey more bearable.
Keyphrase: How to support a friend with cancer
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