When my daughter, Lila, turned two, she began to resemble her dad in the most delightful way. With her hair cascading in a charmingly crooked part, and her darker roots contrasting with her lovely baby curls, she became a picture of beauty. Perhaps it’s just a parent’s pride, but every time I gaze at her adorable face, I feel an overwhelming urge to give her a tiny nibble—apparently, this reaction is rooted in some instinctual science! But don’t worry, I resist the urge; after all, there’s that old saying about not being able to eat your kids and keep them too!
I suspect many parents share this sense of awe over their little ones, who are designed to be irresistibly cute. When they cry for what seems like eternity, or throw tantrums over something as trivial as the wrong flavor of yogurt, we instinctively want to protect these precious beings. We don’t want to boot them out to find another parent who knows the exact yogurt flavor they desire.
But how do we talk about this beauty? With my son, Max, it was straightforward. He’s an undeniably handsome little guy, and my compliments were simple and direct. Yet with Lila, I hesitate. I might say, “You’re so beautiful!” but then I feel compelled to add, “And smart! And funny! You have all those qualities too!”
This uncertainty stems from our culture’s habit of objectifying women from a young age—think bows, dolls, and a fascination with princesses. This mentality shapes how we perceive beauty, and the more I contemplate it, the more I see “beauty” as a superficial concept. Therefore, I find myself grappling with how to communicate about Lila’s beauty.
One reason I prefer to pair compliments about her beauty with acknowledgments of her other traits is that beauty alone feels rather empty. Of course, I appreciate beauty, but I’d rather be engaging and interesting. Unlike beauty, which is often a matter of genetics or makeup, qualities like creativity and humor are developed over time. They’re the traits that provide depth and make someone enjoyable to be around. By highlighting Lila’s smartness or creativity, I hope to nurture her character, like adding oxygen to a flame. Complimenting her natural beauty seems to reinforce something beyond her control—something that shouldn’t matter as much as it does.
Moreover, my hesitation around discussing beauty stems from its fleeting nature. While Lila will always possess her intelligence and humor, youth fades. I observe celebrities undergoing extreme measures to maintain their looks, and it leads me to question our obsession with youth. Aging is inevitable, and I believe the most beautiful people I’ve known are often those who have lived rich lives, filled with wisdom, joy, and love. Wrinkles, in my opinion, should be celebrated as beauty marks.
Then, there’s the kindness factor. The truly beautiful people I know are compassionate. They listen, care about others, and avoid quick judgments. Kindness requires effort and is a choice we make every day, while beauty is often passive. Anyone can be kind, but not everyone can be classified as “beautiful.” I resonate with Roald Dahl’s sentiment that kindness is the most admirable trait a person can possess.
If the beautiful individuals in my life aren’t wise or kind, they tend to exude confidence. I remember having a crush on one of my brother’s friends, who, in hindsight, wasn’t particularly good-looking. Yet, his confidence made him incredibly attractive.
Returning to how I communicate about beauty, I want Lila to be confident because it simplifies many aspects of life. My grandfather used to call me “Beautiful” with such sincerity that I believed it, even during that awkward middle school phase when my hair was a chaotic mess.
So, for now, I’ll let the compliments about beauty come from others; she receives plenty of “gorgeous girl” remarks from strangers and her loving grandpa, who reminds her of her beauty every time they meet. I’ll focus on nurturing her character by praising her intelligence, creativity, and kindness, in hopes that one day she understands beauty as I do.
Summary
In this reflection, the author shares her thoughts on why she avoids calling her daughter beautiful, emphasizing the importance of nurturing character traits over superficial beauty. The urge to praise beauty is tempered by a desire to instill confidence, kindness, and depth, recognizing that true beauty is often found in wisdom and compassion rather than mere appearance.
Keyphrase: parenting and beauty
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