“I can’t believe I gave my underwear to a nerd.”
~Inspired by a classic film
Note: I will refrain from using the term “underwear” in this piece, because let’s be honest, that’s just too weird.
According to some random Internet source, the average woman possesses 21 pairs of undergarments. However, I suspect that number is exaggerated. If you’re anything like me—let’s say, in your late 30s, with a love for chocolate chip cookies and a wardrobe that spans sizes 6 to 16—you probably own around 10 pairs of comfortable underwear, and about 497 that represent various stages of your adult life—none of which will ever see the light of day again.
Digging through a woman’s underwear drawer can reveal an astonishing amount about her journey through life. I can’t disclose how I know this (thanks to a pesky legal agreement), but trust me, it holds true for many.
Don’t believe me? Let’s explore the chapters of a mom’s sex life through the lens of her underwear collection.
Chapter 1: The Dating Scene
Underwear Status: Thongs Galore
Theme Song: “She had dumps like a truck truck truck, Thighs like what what what, Baby move your butt butt butt.”
When you first meet him at that trendy restaurant, his hands are the first thing you notice. Long fingers, smooth palms—everything you’ve heard about big hands rushes through your mind. You lean in for a hug, and suddenly, your thong rides up uncomfortably. You pray he’s worth the effort you put into your choice of undergarments.
He’s undeniably cute, like a younger version of your favorite actor. And when you hug, a spark courses through you, making you imagine those hands unfastening your bra. Just two weeks later, when he does just that and more, you realize that those rumors might hold some truth.
Chapter 2: Wedding Bliss
Underwear Status: Corset Chaos
Theme Song: “It’s a nice day to start again, It’s a nice day for a white wedding.”
Your feet ache, and there are countless bobby pins in your hair. All you want is to collapse into sweatpants on the hotel bed. You peek at your reflection and realize you resemble a drowned rat. Meanwhile, your new husband is in bed, devouring the third tier of your wedding cake.
The intricate white corset lingerie that once took your breath away now feels like a medieval torture device. “Will you be out soon?” he calls. Instead of the sexy getup, you wrap yourself in a comfy robe. When you finally emerge, his eyes light up.
“Hello, beautiful wife,” he says, and you whisper back, “Hello, husband…” Who needs lingerie when there’s cake waiting?
Chapter 3: The Pregnancy Phase
Underwear Status: Expectant Mother Knickers
Theme Song: “You’re the woman I love, & I love what it’s doing to you.”
You quickly find out that the glowing expectations of pregnancy are a lie. You’re ready to confront every friend who assured you that motherhood would be a dream.
Sex becomes an elaborate series of plans and maneuvers, mapped out like a military operation. You wonder if you’ll ever see your vagina again, and the logistics of intimacy become laughable, not to mention exhausting. “Are you in?” you ask, knowing full well he always is.
Chapter 4: Postpartum
Underwear Status: Marvelous in Mesh
Theme Song: “And it burns, burns, burns, The ring of fire.”
Wearing gauzy underwear feels both humiliating and liberating at the same time. You demand space and time to heal. “Step back, I need my squirty bottle!” becomes your battle cry.
Chapter 5: The MILF Era
Underwear Status: Mama’s Got Her Groove Back
Theme Song: “She’s a bad mama jama. Just as fine as she can be.”
You rediscover your confidence in a pair of leopard-print bikinis. A couple of Coronas later, and you’re back to playful nights at home. But just when you think you’ve got your groove back, another pregnancy test turns pink, and you find yourself back in the chaos of Chapter 3, this time with a toddler in tow.
Chapter 6: The Illusion
Underwear Status: Spanx Struggles
Theme Song: “She’s a brick HOUUUUUSSSSE.”
Remember the days when slipping on a dress and a pair of bikini underwear was all it took for a night out? Those days feel like a distant memory. Now, it’s all about shapewear and dodging the demands of little ones. Sometimes, you even avoid leaving the house just to escape stuffing yourself into those constricting garments.
You ponder starting a bonfire to dispose of your old underwear, but often find yourself reminiscing about those fun times every time you open that drawer.
Ah, the nostalgia. Thongs, weddings, mesh, pizzazz, and burritos—all sweet memories wrapped in lycra and lace.
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In summary, the evolution of a mom’s romantic life can be vividly traced through the contents of her underwear drawer. Each phase—from dating to motherhood—reflects not only changes in her wardrobe but also the ups and downs of love and intimacy.
Keyphrase: The evolution of a mom’s romantic life
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