Recently, I stumbled upon the idea that modern parents are starting to delegate some of the more arduous and time-consuming aspects of child-rearing. Believe it or not, you can actually hire someone to handle potty training or help with thumb-sucking issues. This sparked my curiosity: if I had the chance to outsource certain parenting duties, which ones would top my list? Here’s my rundown:
- Tying Shoelaces: Don’t let the “bunny ears” method fool you; this seemingly simple skill is a Herculean task. Just when you think your little one has grasped it, they somehow manage to pull the loop too tight, and it unravels. I’ve even bought a practice board with a shoe and laces—how naive was I? Unless it includes a life-size cardboard mom to step in, it’s not useful. And trust me, trying to convince kids that velcro sneakers are cool is a losing battle; by middle school, they’ll see right through it.
- Teaching Bike Riding: No one warned me that I’d need to be in peak shape to teach a 5-year-old how to ride a bike. I’ve run marathons, but nothing prepared me for the workout of balancing a 40-pound kid on a 25-pound bike while dodging their screams of “I CAN’T DO IT!” Now when someone mentions their recent triathlon, I just say, “Oh, I taught two kids how to ride bikes.” That usually puts an end to the conversation!
- Sex Education: This often gets handed off to the more “experienced” kids on the school bus. Recently, my 4th grader came home claiming she was fully informed by a gaggle of neighborhood boys. Initially horrified, I then thought, “Phew, that’s one less thing on my plate!” A quick review showed they got most facts right—except for the belly button part. Clearly, 11-year-olds can’t be trusted for all the details.
- Learning to Tell Time: With smartphones and digital clocks everywhere, I’m starting to wonder if telling time on an analog clock even matters anymore. The learning process in our home was quite the adventure. My 8-year-old once asked, “So it’s 10:09?” to which I corrected, “No, it’s 10:45.” The confusion with “quarter” being both 15 minutes and 25 cents made me question my teaching abilities. Can we just skip ahead to pie for dinner?
- Standing in Line: This particularly applies to long waits at amusement parks. I can’t be the only one who realizes that the person in the cartoon costume is just a 23-year-old in disguise, right? Wouldn’t it be great if body doubles could take our place in line while we relax with a drink at the nearest café?
- Using a Steak Knife: Teaching kids how to handle knives is a venture fraught with peril—what could possibly go wrong? Honestly, I think it might be safer to show them the “Fred Flintstone” method of using a fork to eat steak. Just kidding. (But kind of serious.)
- Reviewing Math Facts: It feels like we’ve been doing math drills for ages. My typical session goes something like this: “So, what’s 9 x 4?” “48?” Close, but no cigar—it’s 36. Just when they start to grasp the basics, I realize I’ve got to throw them a curveball by asking in reverse order. By the end, I’m left exhausted, thinking, “Tonight, 48 it is!”
- Swimming Lessons: Trying to teach swimming was like choreographing an aquatic dance. “Bend your arms but keep your legs straight. Now hold your breath, move your arms, and kick!” All the while, I’d be shouting instructions to a child whose head was submerged.
And the one responsibility I will undoubtedly outsource when the time comes…
- Driving Lessons: Thankfully, Drivers Ed exists, but what about the “permit” phase? I’m not sure I’m ready to be in the passenger seat while a newly minted teen operates a 3,000-pound vehicle. Especially when they’re still into watching Disney shows. I’m leaving this one to my partner. Just send me some photos when you’ve mastered merging onto the highway. But not while driving—suddenly, math facts seem like a walk in the park.
While every achievement in childhood is a milestone worth celebrating, I’m grateful I didn’t outsource anything. I just wish I could delegate the sore backs, blistered hands, and chronic headaches that come with parenting. And, of course, I’m not giving up the wine habit anytime soon!
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Summary
Parenting is loaded with a variety of tasks, from teaching shoelaces and bike riding to tackling sensitive subjects like sex education. While some duties might seem overwhelming, the journey is filled with memorable moments that ultimately shape our children’s lives.
Keyphrase: Parenting Tasks to Outsource
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