I absolutely adore my birthday, and the gifts? Even more so. My partner and friends have learned that I have a specific taste when it comes to presents, which is why they always request a list from me. Sure, this approach takes away the surprise factor, but it also saves me from having to pretend to be excited over gifts that miss the mark—like that time in middle school when my mom gifted me a neon green jacket with purple and black accents. You know, I had to question if she really knew me at all.
This year, I’ve compiled a detailed and specific wish list filled with delightful items, experiences, and small miracles I would love to receive after blowing out the candles on my gluten-free Black Forest cake (real whipped cream, please!).
- A weekly backup for my phone so that when disaster strikes and it falls into the toilet, I won’t have to face the judgment of the young “genius” at the Apple Store when he asks, “What do you mean you didn’t back it up?”
- The ability to crouch or climb stairs without my knees sounding like a battlefield.
- The talent to merge into traffic without whipping my neck around like I’m auditioning for a music video.
- A pimple-free existence.
- When I say “Goodnight” to my daughter, I wish she would just give me a thumbs up and drift off to sleep instead of launching into an epic monologue about her day.
- Self-cleaning pillowcases! I seem to forget to wash our linens often enough that the smell of my hair musk fills the air like a tiny, unpleasant cloud.
- C cup breasts—without needing surgery or going through pregnancy. Is that too much to ask?
- Lipstick that stays put and doesn’t smear all over my chin.
- Zero-calorie cheese—I’m okay with a tiny risk of side effects.
- An end to all high school nightmares.
- Candles that make my apartment smell significantly fresher.
- A robotic helper that discreetly moves through my home, picking up glitter and crumbs—my daughter’s main contributions to our decor.
- Each time I buy alcohol, I want to be carded—I’ll appear annoyed, but inside I’ll be doing a victory dance.
- More reality shows featuring naked men fixing things around the house.
- An alert on my phone that signals a “teachable moment” is about to occur.
- More hugs, please! And let’s make sure we don’t break away until we’re ready.
- An hour in a bouncy castle, solo, just in case I have an accident.
- A bubble bath that’s free of any stray hairs.
- Two uninterrupted bathroom breaks, each up to 30 minutes long.
- An app that notifies me of upcoming birthdays so I can always appear thoughtful.
- The magical ability to kiss away all the “ouchies.”
- Three pairs of jeans that flatter me, even when I’ve indulged in popcorn dinners.
- The courage to answer calls from unknown numbers without hesitation.
- The knack for delivering perfect comebacks to rude comments.
- A signature scent so enchanting that people stop in their tracks and want to kiss me immediately.
- The capacity to enjoy several glasses of wine without suffering the next day.
- A complete absence of gray hair—anywhere.
- A brand of cheese sticks that doesn’t require a PhD to open.
- An impromptu weekend getaway with my partner, minus any camping.
- Salted caramel in every conceivable form.
- The skills to apply eyeliner flawlessly, without looking like I let a toddler do it.
- An Uber service specifically for school drop-off and pick-up, where payments can be made in unwrapped cheese sticks.
- An Instagram blackout during the two hours before I sleep, so I’m not mindlessly scrolling through posts.
- A halt to all dinner responsibilities. (I realize this may be a tall order compared to the breast situation.)
- Microwave popcorn that doesn’t come with a side of blazing hot kernels.
- Skin that can transition through seasons without resembling an old, peeling house.
- A complete lack of crow’s feet.
- For all of my loved ones to live forever, or at least longer than me. I can’t bear the thought of life without them.
If this list seems extensive, it’s because I’m nearing the halfway point of my life. I can’t afford to be coy about my desires anymore. I’m flexible though; I’ll gladly settle for just one uninterrupted bathroom visit, provided I can bring my phone, snacks, and a book—no time limits!
If you’re interested in more about home insemination, consider checking out this article on the Impregnator at Home Insemination Kit or learn about the At-Home Insemination Kit for more insights. For further information on pregnancy, visit Healthline’s guide to IUI, which is an excellent resource.
In summary, I’ve laid out my birthday wishes with honesty and humor, embracing the fact that as I approach 38, I know exactly what I want. Life is too short to be vague about our desires!
Keyphrase: 38th birthday gift ideas
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]