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by Jamie Thompson
Updated: Aug. 3, 2016
Originally Published: Oct. 19, 2005
I have a high school friend, Sarah, who is the proud mother of four daughters. A quintessential overachiever, Sarah played three varsity sports in college, refusing to let injuries keep her from the field. She’s the type who took the bar exam while in labor and now navigates a demanding career at a prestigious law firm. Pain is simply not in her vocabulary. During our playdates at the local park, I’ve watched her daughters endure some seriously painful tumbles—those kinds where I’d be inspecting for concussions. But there’s Sarah, arms crossed like a seasoned coach, barking, “You’re fine. Just shake it off!” Her girls, bruised and whimpering, pick themselves up and dive right back into the fray.
On the other hand, I’m the emotional one. I have two sons who cry—often. Their tears can be for typical reasons, like bumps and scrapes, or for reasons that seem utterly absurd: my toddler sobs over having sand on his hands in the sandbox, and my five-year-old cries because it’s time to tidy up his toys. I feel like I’m always on tear patrol, trying to differentiate between “valid” tears, like those from a scraped knee, and “invalid” tears, like the ones resulting from too much avocado on his plate. I’m perfectly okay with offering a brief cuddle after a playground spill, but I draw the line at tears over a twisted sweater.
By most standards, Sarah’s daughters are “tougher” than my sons. They rarely shed a tear. When it was time for preschool drop-off, while other parents lingered to ease their children into this new environment, Sarah simply stripped her daughter of her coat, kissed her goodbye, and walked away. The little girl started playing right away, dry-eyed, while other kids took days to adjust, crying all the while.
Navigating the question of whether to coddle or not is a common challenge for parents. A recent article in The New York Times titled “Dear Parent, If Your Child Left It At Home, Don’t Bring It In” discusses how schools increasingly discourage parents from “rescuing” their children when they forget essential items like homework. The idea is that if a child forgets something, they must face the consequences, hopefully learning to be more responsible in the future. In the article, a child learns to make a morning checklist, which is a positive outcome.
However, this perspective can overlook the fact that some children may require more support than others. Our culture often prioritizes independence from an early age, and the media tends to focus more on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting rather than the needs of families who genuinely require additional support.
I resonate more with Catherine Newman’s thoughts on fostering “interdependence” in my children. She reflects on a moment when her son rushed to help her after she spilled flour, and she imagines the alternative: him saying, “Maybe next time you’ll be more careful.” That thought makes me cringe. It’s essential for us as parents to instill a sense of self-sufficiency in our kids—teaching them to remember homework, wake up on time, and plan their days. But what if there are gentler methods to achieve this, rather than denying comfort to a child who’s hurt or refusing to assist a child who’s overwhelmed and forgot her project?
I worry that withholding support and comfort might dull their empathy for others in distress. After all, if someone struggles, it’s easy to think they should just “shake it off.”
Sarah and I attended a competitive high school and went on to equally challenging colleges. For me, graduating was like shedding a heavy weight, allowing me to shape my life in a more relaxed manner. In contrast, Sarah embraces the relentless pursuit of achievement and is determined to pass on those values to her daughters. My boys, however, will likely be more, let’s say, “coddled.” There are multiple paths to success and happiness, and I believe in teaching my children the importance of compassion and support. I want them to acknowledge their own feelings and those of others, rather than simply dismissing them.
In conclusion, finding the right balance between encouraging independence and providing emotional support is a nuanced journey for every parent. It’s about understanding that each child is unique and may require different approaches to thrive.