Not long ago, a humorous video titled “I’m Not Your Friend, Kid” went viral, featuring vlogger Lisa Hartman. The premise? Parents should avoid being friends with their children, as it undermines their authority. While I chuckled at Hartman’s comedic take on parenting, I found myself at odds with her main message.
In my view, it’s entirely possible to balance friendship with parenting. You can cultivate a friendly relationship with your kids while still instilling boundaries and discipline.
I’m not claiming to be a parenting guru, but I’ve navigated the ups and downs of parenting for over ten years. What stands out to me is that fostering a strong bond of openness with my children forms the cornerstone for teaching them essential life skills. Without that connection, I struggle to reach them or for them to truly grasp the lessons I’m trying to convey.
Take, for instance, my 9-year-old son’s aversion to picking up after himself. If I didn’t intervene, his socks would remain on the kitchen floor indefinitely, and his breakfast bowl would rot on the table for days. His Pokémon cards? They’d create a volcanic mess in his room, blocking his path to the bed. It became clear I needed to address this issue.
Now, I’m not going to pretend I have all the answers or that I can simply get him to comply with a stern glance. Parenting is anything but straightforward, and there’s no universal formula that works for everyone. However, when it came to encouraging my son to tidy up, what proved most effective was having a genuine conversation.
I know this may sound unconventional. I’ve tried yelling, withholding privileges, and even pleading (which, let’s be honest, usually doesn’t work). But in this situation, the best approach was to talk to him as I would with a friend.
Timing was crucial. I avoided addressing the mess during our hectic mornings. Instead, I brought it up during our nightly chats, a cherished ritual where we connect without distractions. These moments are when we truly bond, just two people who care about one another.
During our “special talks,” my son opens up about his worries—school, friends, life—and I share my thoughts too, keeping it light and not overwhelming him with my adult stresses. So, I decided to discuss the issue of housework during one of these evenings, approaching it as a peer rather than an authority figure. I explained how challenging it is for me to maintain order when he leaves things scattered around. I emphasized that as he grows, part of my role is to guide him in becoming a responsible individual.
The moment was transformative; I saw his understanding click. He expressed his desire to be a good person and to cooperate more. And he has. While I won’t say it’s perfect—three days’ worth of socks might still pile up—when I remind him to clean, I’m met with thoughtful responses rather than indifference. Sometimes he’ll even plead, “Mom, I’m so tired. Can’t you just clean it up?” When I respond, “Sorry, kid, I can’t,” he eventually takes action.
I want my children to listen and cooperate, to grow into responsible citizens. But I aim for them to comply not out of fear or mere desire to please me, but because they genuinely understand the values I’m trying to instill.
How do I achieve this? By building trust and maintaining open communication—by being their friend.
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In summary, being a friend to your child can enhance your parenting, making it easier to teach them responsibility and life skills. Through trust and open dialogue, you create a supportive environment where they can grow.