It’s 1989. You’re 14, skinny and introverted. Your hair is a frizzy mess, the result of a perm you thought was a great idea after years of brushing it every day. You’ve got braces, and at night, you sport a headgear that looks like it belongs in a medieval dungeon. Now, you’re starting at a new high school where you don’t know a soul.
That was me.
Typically, this “ugly duckling” narrative culminates in a transformation into a glamorous swan who dances with the most popular kids at prom. Instead, I found myself traversing the long, winding road of awkwardness. I eventually ditched the braces and the perm, hit puberty, but I remained the quintessential nerd. Sure, I eventually went on dates, but I was still far from the girl that everyone was vying for.
And you know what? That’s perfectly fine. In fact, I wouldn’t trade my experience for anything.
While other freshman girls, the ones who mastered the art of teasing their bangs just right, were getting asked out by older boys, I was forging deep friendships with my close-knit group of girlfriends. While the popular crowd faced pressures to experiment with relationships, substances, and everything in between, I had the luxury of time—time to grow, explore my interests, and just be myself without the weight of peer pressure. I immersed myself in my family, devoured books, enjoyed sports, and focused on my studies. I was genuinely happy, free to be a kid, untouched by the looming specter of popularity.
As my own children approach their tween and teenage years, I find myself hoping they too will experience a touch of awkwardness—a buffer, if you will, before the onslaught of teenage pressures and temptations. I want them to have time to indulge in quirky hobbies and share goofy jokes with friends instead of diving into the adult world of drinking and dating.
Because let’s be honest, those things can be downright intimidating. I remember a friend of mine who felt immense pressure to drink during eighth grade. She often said she wished her parents had been stricter. Unlike me, she didn’t have that protective layer of awkwardness. In my junior high, only the basketball players and cheerleaders were drinking, so I was spared from those pressures. But my friend? She was in the popular circle without the safety net of being uncool, and without firm parental boundaries, she succumbed to the pressure.
As much as I might wish it, I can’t guarantee my kids will be as “uncool” as I was. So, what’s the strategy? I’ve found some insights in Lisa Damour’s book, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, which I reviewed recently. While it primarily addresses girls, its wisdom applies to teen boys as well.
When peer pressure looms, Damour recommends avoiding extremes. If we threaten severe consequences, are kids really going to call us to pick them up from a party gone awry? No way. On the flip side, becoming friends with our teens and partying with them isn’t the answer either.
Instead, she suggests that “the safest girls are the ones who can point to their parents’ ‘crazy rules’ to steer clear of risky behavior.” When friends are around, parents should embrace their role as the “boring” adult. This way, kids can use us as an excuse to avoid risky situations. If a party gets out of hand, they can say, “Oh, my mom would totally freak out if she knew I was here,” even if that’s not entirely true. We play the part of the “no-fun” adult, allowing our kids to save face in front of their peers.
In essence, as parents, we shouldn’t strive to be cool. This is a job I’m more than ready for! Who would have thought that my awkward years were actually preparation for this vital phase of parenting? Bring on the teen years, kids—I’ll embrace the nerdiness!
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Summary:
The teenage years can be challenging, but a little awkwardness is often a blessing in disguise. By encouraging our kids to embrace their quirks and delay the pressures of adult life, we can help them grow into well-rounded individuals. As parents, it’s our job to be the “uncool” adults, creating a safe space for our children to navigate their teenage years without succumbing to peer pressure.
Keyphrase: The Blessing of Awkward Teenage Years
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