Putting these thoughts into words has proven to be a daunting task, as it feels so definitive. Acknowledging that I have been in a state of grief for over three years now is overwhelming, prompting me to want to escape to the comfort of a TV show and a large glass of wine.
My mother’s name was Laura. She was my anchor, my greatest love, and I lost her unexpectedly last summer.
Reflecting on this, I realize I had been experiencing anticipatory grief ever since my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I was already in a whirlwind of emotions—processing, crying, and trying to memorialize her even before her passing. This diagnosis came just days after I shared my own exciting news of a twin pregnancy.
Thus began our parallel journeys. While she lost her reproductive abilities, the same gift allowed me to bring two beautiful daughters into the world. The profound connection between us was unmistakable.
As I navigated my own grief, I also had to remain present during the demanding phases of motherhood—nursing two babies, managing sleep training, and dealing with toddler tantrums. My children, now preschoolers, are incredibly perceptive and can sense shifts in the emotional landscape around them. This leads me to ponder: how can a mother support her children while grappling with grief? This challenge has been one of the most transformative aspects of my experience.
Three Essential Insights
- Set the Emotional Atmosphere.
Mothers often shape the emotional environment of the home. This doesn’t mean being flawless; it means being authentic. By naming my feelings and being transparent about my sadness, I have been able to process the weight of my grief more effectively. My daughters frequently inquire, “Are you happy or sad?” I’m open to discussing my sadness, and when they offer hugs and kisses, I affirm their kindness by saying, “That helps me feel better.” However, children also pick up on the emotional cues around them, and they tend to need my attention most when I’m at my lowest.I have leaned on my support network for help with school pickups and playdates to ensure I don’t overextend myself. I recognize that during my moments of grief, it’s essential to practice “good enough” parenting. This means allowing extra screen time, letting them explore parks while I rest on a bench, and easing the pressure of preparing elaborate meals. I have found that by prioritizing my emotional well-being, I can better support my daughters as they navigate the complexities of their young emotions.
- Honoring Legacy.
I frequently draw strength from my mother’s wisdom—whether through late-night texts, cherished emails, or the family mantras she created. I keep a notebook filled with these reminders, which helps me stay connected to the legacy she left behind. Her influence on my daughters, even in her absence, is irreplaceable. I also created a digital storybook titled “The Story of GranLaura,” showcasing her interactions with my twins from day one. This storybook serves as a comforting reminder for us during moments of longing.I’ve come to realize that there can never be enough time with loved ones. Whether we have five minutes or fifty years, the feeling of having more to share is always present. Yet, I also celebrate the quality moments we shared.
- Understanding Grief in Waves.
Months after my mother’s passing, she remains a regular topic of conversation with my daughters, who express everything from “Mommy, if you want to see Grandma, you have to die too” to heartfelt statements like “I miss her.” I learned from a compassionate grief counselor that children often grieve in waves. One moment they may be sad, and the next, they are off playing, singing, or asking for a snack.When I broke the news of my mother’s death to them, I anticipated an outpouring of grief. Instead, they listened, hugged me, inquired about their grandfather’s health, then quickly returned to their daily activities. I too experience grief in waves, alternating between laughter and sorrow.
One of the key takeaways from this journey is that we never truly “get over” grief. Instead, we develop strategies to manage it. This resonates closely with motherhood; we never completely overcome the fatigue or anxiety that accompany parenting. Instead, we learn how to navigate these feelings and begin anew each day.
For me, parenting through grief involves embracing the messy, beautiful, and sad realities of life. The more I can model healthy emotional processing and share stories about their incredible grandmother, the better equipped we all are to handle the ups and downs together.
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Summary
Grief is a complex, ongoing process that mothers must navigate while supporting their children. By setting a genuine emotional tone in the home, honoring the legacy of lost loved ones, and understanding that grief manifests in waves, mothers can find ways to cope while still being present for their kids. Embracing this journey with authenticity helps both mothers and children navigate the challenges of life together.
Keyphrase: managing grief as a mother
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