As November approaches, the annual push from the gratitude industry begins, reminding us of the myriad benefits of thankfulness. From NPR to popular influencers, the message is clear: we should be appreciative of our blessings. And for many mothers, the list of things to be thankful for seems endless. We cherish our wonderful children, whose love and laughter illuminate our lives. Many of us have faced significant challenges, such as navigating fertility treatments or adoption processes, to bring these joys into our lives. However, Thanksgiving isn’t the sole occasion for gratitude; we should feel it constantly, right?
As a mother and a clinical psychologist specializing in anxiety related to motherhood, I find the emphasis on gratitude a bit troubling. I am not alone in my skepticism; a recent (and somewhat controversial) editorial in a prominent publication highlighted how gratitude can sometimes be more self-serving than beneficial. My concern lies in the pressure to feel grateful. While studies indicate that gratitude often correlates with happiness and overall life satisfaction, I’ve observed that mothers who feel compelled to express gratitude can experience heightened feelings of inadequacy and distress.
Many moms I’ve worked with have plenty of reasons to be thankful, yet they still grapple with feelings of stress, anxiety, or even depression. These women often express discomfort during the Thanksgiving season when they are bombarded with messages urging gratitude. Despite recognizing their many blessings, they feel unhappy and wonder why they can’t simply embrace the joy that seems so readily available to them.
Conversely, I’ve encountered mothers who struggle to identify anything to be grateful for. The gratitude industry has a standardized response: be thankful for basic necessities like clean air, water, and shelter. While these are undeniably important, they may offer little solace to someone experiencing loneliness or depression.
In my experience, the insistence on gratitude can feel dismissive, akin to telling someone, “You have [food/shelter/family/etc.], so stop complaining!” Yet we know that mental health conditions like depression and anxiety do not adhere to such simplistic notions. High-profile cases, such as that of actor Robin Williams, have shown us that even those with abundant blessings can suffer profoundly.
In cognitive-behavioral therapy, we often discuss the importance of acknowledging negative emotions and extending self-compassion. During the gratitude season, I strive to reassure mothers that it’s perfectly acceptable to feel sadness or to lack gratitude, even amidst many comforts.
So, while I don’t mind Oprah and others promoting gratitude, I believe discussions about its importance should also include caveats such as:
- It’s okay if you struggle to find something to be grateful for.
- It’s okay to feel grateful in some areas of your life while struggling in others.
- It’s okay to have everything one could wish for and still feel unhappy.
That, to me, is a much more authentic Thanksgiving message.
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Summary
The pressure to feel grateful during Thanksgiving can be overwhelming for many mothers, leading to feelings of inadequacy and distress. It is crucial to recognize that it’s acceptable to experience negative emotions and that gratitude can coexist with sadness. Compassion and self-acceptance are vital during this season.
Keyphrase: pressure of gratitude
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