Last year, I had a week off from my job, and unexpectedly, I found myself alone at home — well, as alone as one can be with three kids. My partner, Jamie, took our two oldest children out, leaving our 1-year-old peacefully asleep.
If you were to ask me about my ideal getaway, I’d jokingly say, “Just me, a large pizza, and the TV all to myself.” While I’m half-kidding, the sentiment holds a grain of truth. As a parent of three young kids, I often crave solitude. I can’t help but fantasize about all the tasks I could accomplish without my children around. My home would be tidier, I’d have time to exercise, and I could finally indulge in movies that aren’t just animated features on repeat. I could read, socialize, and reclaim parts of my life that don’t revolve solely around parenting.
I believe many parents share similar feelings, and it’s not because we don’t cherish our children — I absolutely do. It’s simply that parenting doesn’t come with an “off” switch. Breaks are scarce, so when they do occur, we find ourselves longing for them. Yet, it feels paradoxical; once solitude arrives, guilt often creeps in, leaving us feeling unproductive or neglectful.
For instance, with the kids out, I decided to start a Netflix film. It was a mindless action flick — the kind I rarely watch because Jamie isn’t a fan, and the children are too young for such content. Yet, as I watched, guilt washed over me. I felt that I should be doing something else, but the exact ‘something’ eluded me.
This feeling of guilt accompanies my rare alone time. I crave it when I’m at work, yet once it’s mine, I find myself anxious and restless, as if I should be focused on my family instead of indulging in personal enjoyment. Truthfully, it feels like a piece of me is missing in their absence.
It’s perplexing and somewhat frustrating, but I suspect it stems from the profound transformation that parenthood brings. After nearly a decade of fatherhood, I’ve managed to hold onto two hobbies — cycling (which is fading) and writing. I write daily, but only in the early morning hours when everyone is still asleep, so I can avoid the guilt of taking time away from my family. For those without children, it might seem strange to feel guilty about self-care, but that’s the reality of parenting — it envelops your entire being.
My children are my passion. I think about them, worry about their well-being, and often write about them. It’s almost as if my life revolves around their existence. This might sound like an obsession, but it’s not a negative one.
I once watched a documentary called The Other F Word, which featured members of old punk bands who are now fathers. Flea, the bassist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, shared a poignant insight into fatherhood: “The classic parenting attitude is, ‘I brought you into this world. I gave you life.’ But I think the opposite: My kids gave me life. They gave me a reason.” I resonate with that sentiment; my kids have indeed provided me with a deeper understanding of purpose.
Reflecting on my pre-parenthood life, filled with endless movies and carefree socializing, I realize I was missing out on the richness of existence. The joy I get from teaching my son to ride a bike or helping my daughter with her writing far surpasses any personal achievements I could claim. This is why, when I find myself with free time, I often feel unproductive; parenting is inherently meaningful and demanding.
Eventually, Aspen woke from her nap while I was engrossed in the movie. It didn’t matter; I wasn’t really paying attention anyway. I turned off the screen and went to her room. She reached out from her crib, her golden hair tousled from sleep. After I handed her pacifier back to her, I asked, “Did you miss me?” She touched my face, calming down immediately. “I missed you too,” I replied.
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In summary, parents often find it difficult to enjoy their alone time due to a mix of guilt and anxiety. While solitude is desired, it can lead to feelings of unproductivity and neglect. Parenthood changes our priorities, making us feel incomplete when we are not engaged with our children. Ultimately, the rewarding moments spent with them far outweigh any fleeting desire for personal time.
Keyphrase: Why Parents Struggle to Enjoy Alone Time
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