“Ugh! Why am I so foolish?!” my partner exclaims, glaring at the scorched chicken on the stove. I can’t help but wince. “I know,” he admits, “sorry.” He’s aware that the kids can hear him, yet in moments of frustration, it’s challenging to suppress the urge to criticize himself.
Over the years, my partner and I have engaged in numerous discussions about the significance of language, particularly regarding how we communicate about ourselves and others in front of our children. His habit of labeling himself when he makes a mistake stems from having witnessed regular criticism during his childhood—not necessarily directed at him but modeled in his environment. I share some of these self-critical tendencies as well. Many of us do.
It’s troubling, however, that children are always listening, especially when we least expect it. They tend to adopt the same self-talk patterns they hear from us, often internalizing our words even more than the direct messages we give them. I recall an episode of Oprah featuring a mother whose daughter faced body image challenges. The mother was upset, having always told her daughter she was beautiful, just as she was, and never making negative remarks about her shape or weight. However, when asked about her own body image, the mother referred to herself as fat and ugly. Despite her efforts to uplift her daughter, her self-critical remarks at home had a profound impact on her daughter’s self-perception. This example has remained with me.
I want my children to avoid the constant struggle with self-criticism. I hope they won’t instinctively punish themselves for making mistakes. My goal is to foster kindness—both towards others and themselves.
While I don’t believe we bear full responsibility for our children’s self-talk or should feel like we must tread carefully around them, I have made a conscious effort to be aware of my language around them, not just in direct conversations. If I speak negatively about my appearance, my kids might perceive such language as acceptable, even if I advise them otherwise. If I call myself foolish or criticize myself for errors, they might adopt that mindset, regardless of whether I would ever say these things to them directly.
This shift is challenging. We live in an increasingly judgmental world, with numerous platforms for criticism. It’s difficult to prevent that negativity from infiltrating our homes and speech. None of us is immune to critical thoughts, and it can be a struggle to resist voicing them. Ultimately, it comes down to being mindful of the words we choose, particularly within earshot of our children.
Interestingly, I’ve found that this conscious awareness has brought personal benefits. By catching myself before self-critical remarks escape my lips, I’ve become more positive, which has positively influenced various aspects of my life. I’ve noticed myself becoming more compassionate towards my own shortcomings and more patient with the faults of others. I’ve also become better at recognizing critical language and its ability to dampen a mood. Over time, my internal self-talk has softened as well.
While there’s no guarantee that being mindful of our words will enhance our children’s inner dialogue, I firmly believe that language holds power. I’ve witnessed the impact of a critical environment on children, and I prefer to nurture a space that fosters positivity instead of contributing to their self-criticism. They will encounter enough negativity and judgment from the world; I don’t want them to hear it from me.
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In summary, being aware of our language and its impact on our children is crucial. By avoiding self-critical talk, we can foster a nurturing environment that encourages kindness and self-acceptance.
Keyphrase: self-critical language in parenting
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