From a young age, I envisioned myself as a mother. Despite my lack of maternal instincts (I was not the greatest babysitter), I believed that once I had my own children, I would naturally embrace the nurturing qualities I admired in others. I pictured myself as one of those mothers who showered their babies with affectionate kisses and adored their little ones’ chubby legs. I thought I would effortlessly engage in baby talk and play games like patty cake. I imagined creating charming nicknames for my children and maintaining an environment free of yelling.
However, this idyllic vision of motherhood, one that has been ingrained in us from early childhood, can often lead to feelings of inadequacy when we don’t fit the mold of the “ideal” mother. This societal expectation is so deeply rooted that it can be challenging not to feel insufficient if we don’t react with overwhelming joy at the sight of a newborn.
I observe how other mothers engage with their children—cooing at babies and generously giving hugs. I see women who co-sleep and breastfeed for extended periods, exuding patience and calmness. Watching all this makes me question my own maternal instincts: Am I missing something essential? Why don’t I feel more nurturing?
I find myself uncomfortable with baby talk and not particularly affectionate. After a brief cuddle, I crave personal space. I often struggle with impatience and find myself raising my voice more than I would like. I did not co-sleep, and my breastfeeding journey was short-lived before I switched to formula.
When I see other mothers effortlessly showing affection, I can’t help but wonder why I don’t have the same instincts. I spend a significant amount of time questioning my adequacy as a mother, often comparing myself to others and wishing I could embody more of their traits. I wrestle with the idea that perhaps I am fundamentally lacking in some “mom gene” that would make me more nurturing.
However, it’s important for all mothers, including myself, to recognize that there is no singular “right” way to be a good mother. There is no mom gene. Motherhood manifests differently for each individual, and being maternal—whatever that may entail—is not a prerequisite for effective parenting.
In the past, my self-assessment as a mother was often clouded by preconceived notions of maternal behavior, heavily influenced by comparisons to other women rather than focusing on my unique relationship with my children. I used to believe I was somehow deficient in my parenting style. But all those comparisons were based on others, not on the way I actually mother my children. My kids do not have those other women as mothers; they have me.
While I may not display the same level of patience or affection as others, it doesn’t diminish my love for my children. I am their biggest supporter and protector. They are happy and secure, in part because I parent in a way that feels authentic to me. Yes, there are areas for improvement, and I often fall short of my high standards, but there are also numerous ways in which I excel at motherhood according to my own definition.
So, while I might feel like I’m lacking the maternal instinct, that’s perfectly fine because such a gene does not exist. Unless, of course, we’re discussing the infamous mom jeans—of which I also have none.
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Summary:
The concept of motherhood is often surrounded by societal expectations that can lead to feelings of inadequacy for those who do not fit the traditional mold. It’s vital to understand that there is no singular way to be a good mother, and maternal instincts vary from person to person. Embracing one’s unique parenting style is key to fostering a nurturing environment for children.
Keyphrase: maternal instinct
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