As I attempt to articulate a thought that is slipping away from me, a sudden sound interrupts—it’s a snore. Seriously? This feels like a cliché from a bad sitcom. Surely, we aren’t that couple—the one where the man dozes off while his partner discusses what she perceives as crucial issues, only to be interrupted by his bear-like snoring.
But alas, we are that couple. He’s the one who falls asleep faster than I can spell f-u-c-k-t-h-i-s, while I lie awake with wide eyes, battling anxiety-induced insomnia, cursing the darkness. To make matters worse, our cat has claimed my abdomen as her personal sleeping space.
What I need is a MANbien prescription, and I need it now.
Let me clarify: MANbien is not to be confused with the prescription sleep aid Ambien. Instead, think of MANbien as a magical pill that encapsulates the carefree, laid-back essence that seems to allow men to fall asleep anywhere, anytime—including in bed. It’s so effective that users can doze off at a 45-degree angle without needing a pillow.
Imagine the benefits if women could experience life under the influence of MANbien instead of being perpetually alert. There’d be no more frantic Googling about that odd pain, no more mental lists of tasks that evaporate as soon as the morning alarm buzzes.
No more:
- Dealing with awake children while trying to maintain some semblance of order.
- Completing nighttime chores while everyone else enjoys their daylight hours.
- The frustration of replacing toilet paper rolls or collecting empty bottles from the shower as if I’m practicing for a cleaning service.
- Deciding on dinner number two amidst the chaos.
- The overwhelming annoyance of finding a solitary dirty glass just inches from the dishwasher.
- The futile task of matching socks, which feels more like a punishment than a chore.
- The night terrors that result from unexpected surprises in the bathroom—I did not sign up for this middle-aged drama!
Once I take my MANbien, I want to sprawl in bed without restraint, claiming my space like I’m making sleep angels. The cat can find somewhere else to rest—this is my bed now. And my partner can adjust to half his side, just as I’ve been doing for years. Sure, it may be a tad vindictive, but a woman needs her rest to conquer the day, right?
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In conclusion, a MANbien prescription could revolutionize the nighttime routine for many women, allowing for much-needed rest and rejuvenation.