Menu: Pregnancy
The Birth Plan I Wish I Had Created
by Sarah Mitchell
Updated: July 2, 2020
Originally Published: Aug. 11, 2016
Recently, while tidying up, I stumbled upon something that brought back a flood of memories: my original birth plan. As I flipped through the pages filled with my meticulous requests—including preferences for natural childbirth, a serene environment, and soft lighting—I couldn’t help but cringe. Did I really need two pages of instructions?
Reflecting on my experience, here’s a light-hearted take on what I really wish I had included in my birth plan:
1. Let’s cut to the chase: I don’t know how to poop.
Honestly, it’s a struggle for me. So, please refrain from telling me to push as if I’m having a bowel movement—when I need to go, it’s usually a straightforward affair.
2. If I happen to poop during delivery,
I’d appreciate it if you could keep that under wraps—maybe even distract my partner so he doesn’t witness the scene. Dignity, after all, is key!
3. I’m quite the screamer.
I’ve brought earplugs for the staff; please ensure they have them handy. I’m also willing to share any necessary headache medication if needed.
4. Mirrors are a no-go.
Unless I require a quick check for spinach in my teeth or a lipstick touch-up, I do not want to see what’s happening down there. I’ll leave the aesthetics of childbirth to my imagination!
5. I have a strong aversion to needles in my spine.
I do not like them at all. However, I would be open to laughing gas if that’s an option.
6. Indecision is my middle name.
Apologies in advance if I waver between ice chips, water, walking, or sitting on a birthing ball.
7. I aim to breastfeed my newborn.
I’ve done my homework, but guidance and encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I’ve even packed pom-poms to cheer myself on—feel free to get creative!
8. Please refrain from giving my baby a pacifier.
This isn’t about nipple confusion; I simply want to avoid the hassle of weaning later on.
9. I’d like to request an ample supply of mesh panties.
I’ve heard they’re all the rage in postpartum recovery!
10. Finally, I’d like to schedule my husband’s vasectomy for a couple of hours after I settle in with the baby.
Since I’m committed to natural childbirth, he can forgo pain relief. Just kidding—he can have the laughing gas!
Congratulations on making it to the end of my birth plan. That shows you’re dedicated!
Now, let’s focus on the most crucial part of this plan. You likely read countless birth plans each year, witnessing both joyous moments and challenging ones. Your role is vital, and how you treat us matters immensely. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and compassion throughout this transformative experience.
To express my gratitude, I’ve included a coffee card for you and your colleagues. Today’s caffeine is on me! If you’re seeking more information on pregnancy, I recommend checking out this excellent resource from Healthline.
For those interested in home insemination, visit our post on artificial insemination kits or explore the Cryobaby Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit Combo for further insights.
In summary, creating a birth plan can be both a personal and humorous experience. While it’s essential to communicate your wishes, remember that the most important thing is the support you receive during this life-changing moment.
Keyphrase: birth plan humor
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