My father was emotionally distant and rarely engaged with my brother and me. He seldom spoke to us or participated in our playtime. His demeanor was often cold, irritable, and impatient. Having grown up with an abusive father, he created a protective barrier around himself. Consequently, when I became a father, I found myself without a solid role model. How could I break this cycle of emotional unavailability and become the stable father my son needed?
When we operate on “cruise control,” we react to situations based on ingrained patterns from our upbringing, often without conscious thought. For instance, when my young son exclaimed, “Dad, do you wanna play cars?!” my initial reaction was one of reluctance. I thought, “Why would I want to get down on the floor and play with toy cars?” That was my cruise control, echoing my father’s voice.
However, I had made a commitment to be a better husband and father than my own dad. I consciously chose not to let my automatic responses dictate my actions. Instead, I began to ask myself: “What kind of father do I want to be?” or “What type of dad would I have wished for?” or “What does my son truly deserve?”
What my little boy heard was, “Absolutely, buddy!” I joined him on the floor, selecting a small car to play with. Initially, it felt a bit awkward, as I had often played alone due to the age gap with my brother. But as time passed, that awkwardness dissipated, and I became fully immersed in the moment with my son.
My son is growing up with the father I chose to be rather than the one I was conditioned to be. I shifted from cruise control to manual, realizing that it takes more effort to make intentional decisions. Many of us do not come from nurturing, healthy family environments. Our instinctive behaviors often emerge from this cruise control, lacking thought or purpose. By training ourselves to pause and reflect, we can determine what kind of parent, partner, or individual we aspire to be. We can learn to respond in ways that foster our self-esteem and integrity.
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In summary, my journey as a father has taught me the importance of breaking free from inherited patterns and consciously choosing to be the dad my son needs. By actively engaging in this process, I can create a loving and stable environment for him.
Keyphrase: Choosing the father my son deserved
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