When considering our oldest daughter, it’s clear she possesses extraordinary musical talent. While every parent might believe their child has a gift, my daughter truly stands out. Remarkably, she can pick up nearly any instrument and play a tune within moments. Even as a small child, she instinctively harmonized with the lullabies I sang, never having received any formal training. She would create beautiful two-handed pieces on our piano without any lessons whatsoever.
At the age of six, she expressed a desire to learn the violin, inspired by her best friend. After her first lesson, her instructor remarked to me, “It’s as if she was born with a bow in her hand. I rarely see kids with this level of innate ability.” And I couldn’t agree more.
For six years, our daughter attended weekly violin lessons. We initially switched instructors when we realized the first one wasn’t a suitable match for her, and the second teacher was a perfect fit. While she enjoyed playing, she never embraced the practice routine. By her fifth year, despite her rapid progress, practicing had become an uphill battle. She resisted any structure, wanting to play on her own terms. The joy she once found in music was fading, and she ultimately decided she wanted to quit.
We attempted to guide her through what we believed were typical pre-teen emotions. We discussed how many adults later regret quitting their instruments as children, emphasizing the importance of repetition and technique, even when it felt tedious. We acknowledged that she was accustomed to success coming easily, but as she reached a more advanced level, the effort required increased. We tried various strategies, including letting her choose different genres to explore, but nothing seemed to work.
Ultimately, she remained resolute about quitting. Recognizing her diminishing passion for music, we made the difficult decision to let her step away from lessons. After investing both time and financial resources, we accepted that this was her choice. We kept her violin, hoping she might return to it one day, but we were uncertain about whether we had made the right choice.
For the next year, she hardly touched the instrument. In the following year, she occasionally played some Irish fiddle tunes and revisited a few classical pieces. After three years of not playing, she finally reflected, “I kind of miss the violin. I wish I hadn’t quit.”
Her desire to return was motivated by her newfound ambition; at 15, she was contemplating college and recognized the potential for a music scholarship. Since we had relocated across the country during her break, we found her a new instructor, who has been wonderful. Although she still doesn’t relish the practice, she is thriving and reconnecting with her love for music.
Navigating the decisions we make for our children can be incredibly challenging, especially when it comes to allowing them to make significant choices for themselves. Many parents face similar dilemmas, whether related to music, sports, or other activities. During this period, we grappled with myriad questions, often rooted in our fears. How do we differentiate between a temporary disinterest and a genuine need for a break? Would she resent us for allowing her to quit? What if she simply needed a bit more encouragement? Would the years spent learning the violin become meaningless if she chose not to play again?
In the end, we chose to trust her instincts. We believed that our relationship with her and her connection to music were more important than forcing her to continue an activity she was beginning to despise. If she were to pursue music seriously at any point, it needed to come from her own desire. We decided to take a hands-off approach, confident that if music was truly her calling, she would find her way back.
Not every child returns to a passion after stepping away, and that’s perfectly acceptable. We recognized that our daughter was making a pivotal decision and would have to accept the consequences, whatever they might be. I am grateful we allowed her the freedom to choose and that we kept the door open for her to return when she felt ready. Even if she hadn’t chosen to play again, I believe we handled the situation appropriately.
Recently, she performed for the first time in four years and, unsurprisingly, excelled. She felt a sense of pride in her performance, and we shared in her joy. More importantly, we were proud that she took ownership of her musical journey, stepped away when needed, and listened to her inner voice that eventually led her back to making music.
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Summary:
Allowing our daughter to quit music lessons, despite her talent, ultimately proved to be the right decision. After years of resistance to practice, we recognized her waning passion and chose to trust her instincts. Following a break, she rediscovered her love for the violin, motivated by her goals for the future. This experience taught us the importance of supporting our children’s autonomy and trusting in their decisions.
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