It’s me again!
I can hardly believe it’s been eight months since we became neighbors! I truly regret that we haven’t had the chance to connect more. Every time I’ve tried to visit, you’ve been out, so I thought I’d reach out through these notes instead. I feel it’s important to update you on the series of odd events and to see if you might be available soon for a drink or some cake—there’s always cake at my place!
I was quite upset to learn that my homemade blueberry muffins never made it to you. It makes sense now why you looked so puzzled when I called out from my car, hoping you enjoyed them. I later discovered that my children had taken the muffins for themselves instead of delivering them as intended! My youngest confessed that they put the container on your porch but returned throughout the day to snack on them. I did think it was strange they skipped lunch, but when they happily decided to play outside, I couldn’t complain. I’m sorry you only received the one muffin, and it was half-eaten. I’ll make sure to bring you a fresh batch this weekend.
It seems that our encounters often revolve around chaotic situations! Just last week, my dog managed to dig under the fence, and when I heard your cat’s alarming yowling, I rushed to check on him. I swear I pulled my dog away from your cat right away. I was surprised to see him behaving that way given his age and bad hip—my sincerest apologies!
Speaking of my dog, he’s the reason you saw me in such an unexpected state of undress. He got into the trash and had a rather unfortunate reaction. After a long night of letting him outside, I was exhausted the next morning. While I was showering, he started scratching at the door again. In my haste to let him out, my towel slipped, and just as I set him down, he had another mishap—on my foot and my towel! When you came out to your balcony, I’m sure it looked like some bizarre dance as I yelled, “Jesus Christ, please stop shitting on me!” Thank you for quickly ushering your children back inside.
I also owe you an apology for startling your son. My kids found my hiding spot in the closet, so I’ve been using the half-finished house next door as a retreat. I had no idea you’d be bringing friends over interested in purchasing the property that evening. I was so engrossed in my magazine that I didn’t hear you approach, leading me to shout, “I have a gun!” when your son and his friend entered. I feel terrible for scaring him; I don’t actually own a gun, and I sincerely apologize for causing any distress. I hope they still consider buying in our neighborhood—it would be wonderful to have more families around.
My husband mentioned that my previous note may have given the wrong impression regarding our alcohol stock. If you don’t drink (which I find hard to imagine—haha!), I also make excellent mocktails, or I can offer you some refreshing lemonade or water.
I would genuinely love to get to know you better and show you that we’re just a normal family looking for friends to share BBQs and games of Pictionary. I’ll keep the dog in his kennel, and my boys have learnt that they need to keep their volume down, especially considering our neighbors can hear them. Just the other morning, my son was shouting that he was “dying in there” because he forgot his iPad while I was in the shower. Kids, right?
I hope to hear from you soon. Feel free to drop by anytime, and if I’m not around, check the house next door!
Sincerely,
Your Neighbor