When a late-night notification pings your phone, it’s often wise to resist the urge to check it. More often than not, it’s not a welcome message.
“I dislike addressing this over email, but I don’t have the courage to call,” a mother reached out to me and a few other parents. “My son returned home upset after an incident at school. I spoke to Mr. Thompson, who witnessed it unfold. I just felt it was important to reach out.”
That’s when I felt my heart race. The message implied my child had acted unkindly towards hers.
As I continued reading, this mother, whom I know only in passing, detailed some troubling behavior—exclusion, name-calling, and what could be deemed bullying. My child was involved, not as the instigator, but her inaction was just as concerning.
“I understand my son can be sensitive and challenging, but they will be in school together for years. I hope we can work towards improving their interactions. I’ve advised him to apologize for his hurtful comments, and I want to follow up to ensure he does.”
I admired her for her approach. She refrained from blaming anyone or resorting to name-calling. She remained factual and seemed genuinely interested in resolving the issue for all the children involved.
That night, however, I found myself on an emotional roller coaster. We often claim to want to be informed of our children’s misbehavior, but when faced with the reality—especially from another parent—it can be quite disheartening.
In the Aftermath: Five Stages of Processing
In the aftermath, I went through five stages of processing this revelation:
- Denial: My sweet child couldn’t possibly behave that way. This mother must have misidentified him or confused him with another student.
- Anger: I was furious. How could he treat another child so poorly? I brought him into this world, and I could certainly take him out.
- Bargaining: Perhaps there had been a misunderstanding. Maybe the other child was exaggerating or the teacher misinterpreted what happened.
- Depression: Why did my child have to be the one causing trouble? Where did I go wrong? Could it be because of too much video gaming?
- Acceptance: Alright, what do I do now? It’s time to issue consequences and guide him towards understanding the weight of his actions.
The following morning, I approached my son about the “incident.” I had barely spoken a few sentences when he broke down.
“Mom, I didn’t know how to respond, and I feel awful. It started as a joke, but then things escalated quickly. I felt lost in the moment.”
While I was initially skeptical, his account seemed to align with what the other mother had shared. Relief washed over me that he hadn’t instigated the negative behavior, but disappointment lingered that he hadn’t intervened either.
“Where do we go from here?” I queried.
“Mr. Thompson made us write apology letters as homework. Here’s mine,” he said quietly, producing a wrinkled sheet from his backpack.
“Do you think that’s sufficient?” I asked, adopting my most authoritative tone.
“Not really. I already said I was sorry, but maybe I should do something nice for her as well,” he suggested, his gaze dropping.
“That’s a great idea. Let’s plan something nice, perhaps we can treat her to a café visit with the allowance you’ll earn from chores this weekend?” I thought to myself, clever for finding a way to motivate him while also treating myself.
“Okay, Mom. I understand. I’m really sorry,” he replied.
And I believed him. I even felt a sense of pride in his willingness to take responsibility immediately.
We often say we want to be aware of our children’s wrongdoings, yet it can be quite disheartening when we discover the truth. This particular incident may have been minor, but it serves as a valuable learning opportunity for future situations. Perhaps next time, I will navigate the stages of grief more swiftly.
Related Topics
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Summary
Discovering that your child has engaged in unkind behavior can be an emotional journey for any parent. From denial to acceptance, navigating these stages is crucial for addressing the issue and fostering growth in your child. Open communication and accountability are key in such situations, allowing both parents and children to learn from mistakes.
Keyphrase: child behavior issues
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