Lifestyle Insights
Updated: February 28, 2020
Originally Published: May 5, 2016
What do you have to live for? If you’ve ever contemplated suicide, the answer might be more complex than you think.
The first time I experienced the loss of a friend to suicide, I was just 15 years old. We had been cast together in a school play; he was the charismatic lead, while I played a smaller role. We spent countless hours backstage, bonding over card games and casual banter. To my shock, he took his life just one day after our second performance.
No matter how many times I tried to piece together the events leading up to his death, it remained unfathomable. He appeared to have everything: good looks, athletic prowess, and popularity among peers. It was hard to grasp how someone with such a seemingly perfect life could feel so hopeless.
My understanding of suicidal thoughts shifted dramatically when I encountered them myself. I realized that even those who seem to have it all can struggle with profound despair. Depression can distort reality, leading individuals to believe they have nothing left to live for.
After welcoming my second child, I fell into a severe bout of postpartum depression. With two toddlers under two years old, both demanding constant attention, I was overwhelmed. The relentless cries of my babies combined with sleepless nights and fluctuating hormones created a perfect storm of anxiety and guilt.
The tipping point came one afternoon while I struggled to engage my 2-year-old in play. Frustrated with my inability to play “correctly,” he erupted in anger, throwing a block at his baby brother. In a moment of desperation, I retaliated and accidentally struck him. The guilt I felt was suffocating. I held him close, whispering apologies, while internally condemning myself as an unworthy mother.
That night marked the first time I considered ending my life, a thought that would linger intermittently for almost a year. I convinced myself my children would be better off without me.
Yet, a faint flicker of resolve kept me from acting on those dark thoughts. I later realized that this flicker was a recognition of my love for my children. While I was willing to suffer for their sake, I also understood that my presence, however flawed, was crucial to their well-being.
As Martin Luther King, Jr. once stated, “No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they’d die for.” In my case, I knew that no one could love my children in the same way I did. Despite my imperfections, I chose to persist for their love.
Over a decade has passed since that difficult time. I may not be the ideal mother, and I still have my moments of frustration and forgetfulness. My children often share laughs at the dinner table about my various “mom fails.” However, they have grown up knowing they are deeply loved, which is what truly matters.
Now, as my sons approach their teenage years, I see the men they are becoming. Interestingly, many of their admirable traits stem from the very shortcomings I often criticize in myself. They’ve learned to take responsibility for their homework and even how to cook for our family of six. They also know how to stand up for themselves when necessary, thanks in part to the resilience they’ve developed as a result of my imperfections.
If you are currently grappling with suicidal thoughts, it’s crucial to seek help. There are resources available that can provide support and guidance. You can explore helpful articles about fertility and parenting, like those found on Make A Mom or March of Dimes.
In summary, understanding that even in our darkest moments, love can be a powerful motivator to live is essential. Embracing our flaws and recognizing the profound impact of love on our children can transform our perspectives on motherhood and life itself.
Keyphrase: Motherhood and Suicidal Thoughts
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