My partner and I spent over three years sleeping in separate beds. Don’t feel sympathy for us—our couch is incredibly comfortable! This arrangement was entirely mutual. Each night, we exchanged a kiss and a wish for “sweet dreams,” and I retreated to our queen-sized bed while he settled on the couch. During this phase of our marriage, sleeping apart enabled us to get the rest we needed, all while maintaining intimacy.
Sleeping separately provided me with a new perspective on our relationship and imparted several important lessons.
1. Define Your Needs
When I was about 20 weeks pregnant with our first child, I found it increasingly difficult to find comfort in our shared bed. My back and hips were sore, and I was constantly shifting around. One night, I decided to sleep in the spare room, where the mattress—though about two decades old—was soft and saggy, providing the relief my body craved. This arrangement allowed me the space I needed, and I could pile on as many pillows as I wanted without encroaching on my partner’s sleeping space. Eventually, we moved the guest bed into our bedroom to maintain proximity while enjoying our individual comforts.
2. Forget About ‘Normal’
After the birth of our first child, my partner transitioned to the couch because our newborn’s sleep patterns and his early work schedule clashed. For quite some time, our baby was a restless sleeper, and my partner wanted to avoid waking either of us during his early morning departures. Our little one didn’t sleep through the night until he was 1.5 years old! During those months, I pondered whether our situation was “normal.” However, prioritizing sleep was crucial for us, so we continued with our separate sleeping arrangements. Whether it was typical or not didn’t matter; what worked for us was our primary focus.
3. Regular Check-ins
I found myself searching online for articles about couples who sleep apart, fearing that we might be drifting toward an unhealthy dynamic. I encountered alarming claims that couples who don’t share a bed could end up feeling more like roommates or even face separation. So, I asked my partner, “Are we okay with this setup?” He replied, “Honestly, I don’t want to wake up every time the baby cries or disturb you when my alarm goes off.” We both agreed that our separate sleeping arrangement worked well for us. We still enjoyed cuddling on the couch and had meaningful conversations about our aspirations, our children, and our life together—far from being mere roommates.
4. Seasons Change
As we continued to check in with each other, we recognized how much we missed the intimacy of sharing a bed. After our second child’s first birthday, we transitioned him to his own room. We were both ready to retire the couch and reunite in our bed.
5. Sacrifices for Togetherness
By this point, we had grown accustomed to having our own space, so we decided to invest in a king-sized bed. It felt heavenly, particularly for me. The new mattress and bedding set us back nearly $1,000, which was a financial sacrifice we were willing to make. We were excited to conclude our separation by the end of January when we officially shared a bed again.
Surprisingly, sleeping apart strengthened our relationship because it compelled us to communicate about our needs. During those challenging months of pregnancy and infancy, what mattered most was the space and rest we required. Was our scenario “normal”? Perhaps not, but I learned that normalcy is irrelevant. What truly counts is honoring our commitment to each other, maintaining open communication, and making the sacrifices necessary to nurture our marriage.
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