“How do you maintain a strong marriage while raising children?” This question was posed to me by a young woman named Sarah, who was married but had yet to embark on the parenting journey.
I chuckled and responded, “Well, you often find yourself keeping score.”
I could tell this wasn’t the response she anticipated, not because it wasn’t accurate, but because few people openly acknowledge it. Conversations surrounding marriage and parenting frequently touch on the challenges and the need for quality time together, yet seldom do we hear someone confess, “It’s incredibly challenging due to the mental tally we keep.”
If we’re truthful, we do keep score. You might find yourself noting who got less sleep, who made more sacrifices, who handled the bulk of the chores, and who took out the trash one too many times. You may track the minutes spent soothing a fussy baby, the hours spent in waiting rooms at the pediatrician, or the lengthy commutes to a job that doesn’t fulfill you. You might even keep a count of the dirty socks strewn across the floor or the dishes piling up in the sink. Whatever the specifics, the mental tally can weigh heavily on both partners.
Admitting to keeping score is often avoided, yet it’s a common experience, especially during stressful times like welcoming a new child or starting a demanding job. The balance of responsibilities can become a point of contention, leading to counting who made that last late-night grocery run for essentials.
For couples who claim they’ve never kept score, they are either being dishonest or have achieved a level of understanding that feels almost unattainable. The reality is, when life becomes overwhelming—with children in the mix—it’s natural to question if your partner truly understands your struggles. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that you’re the only one facing sleepless nights or overwhelming stress.
This is perfectly normal. Life, marriage, and parenting can be incredibly tough. However, this doesn’t negate the joy that can also exist within those challenges. It’s essential to remember that “hard” is subjective, and life consists of varying seasons. Some phases are overwhelmingly tough, while others are filled with joy and ease. As humans, we sometimes forget this perspective and slip into comparison, tallying up our experiences against one another.
Over time, these mental scores can become burdensome. You may feel fatigued and start to recognize the truth: parenting, marriage, and life are difficult for everyone. You may rediscover that you are, in fact, on the same team, and that your love for one another encompasses both affection and companionship. You recall that the commitment made on your wedding day was a promise to remember each other through the good and the difficult times.
I recently posed the question to my partner, Tom: “Do you think we still keep score?” His quick response was, “Yep.” When I asked if we keep score as intensely as before, he replied, “Nope.”
Curious, I asked what had changed. “Countless arguments,” he said with a chuckle. We both laughed, realizing we had grown too weary to maintain the scorekeeping.
Moments later, our younger child walked in and asked, “Why are you two smiling?” Tom replied, “I just really enjoy being around your mom.”
With this exchange in mind, when Sarah inquired about sustaining a marriage post-children, I felt no hesitation admitting, “Yes, we keep score. Yes, it can be tough. But if you remember you’re a team and that it will become easier, nurturing your bond can lead to something truly wonderful.”
In fact, it might just turn out to be exceptionally rewarding.
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Summary
In marriage, especially after the arrival of children, it’s common to keep score of daily responsibilities and struggles. While this tallying can create tension, recognizing that both partners face challenges can foster unity. Embracing the journey together, remembering the love and partnership at the core of your relationship, can lead to a fulfilling and joyful marriage.
Keyphrase: marriage and parenting challenges
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