By: Jamie Thompson
Updated: April 13, 2016
Originally Published: April 13, 2016
At the age of 14, I received my first unexpected communication from my uterus. My mother had prepared me for years, explaining the biological processes involved, but the question still lingered—WHY? Despite her reassurances and guidance on how to navigate these changes, nothing could prevent the startled scream that escaped me in a bowling alley restroom when the message arrived.
Uterus: Hey, what’s going on?
Me: Who is this?
My mom was emotional when I revealed the news. She gently wiped my tears and enveloped me in a comforting embrace. I felt an overwhelming sense of awkwardness in my own skin, like never before.
In the ensuing months, I grew accustomed to the continuous notifications from my uterus, even though the discomfort remained palpable. I had inherited a uterus that unleashed menstrual cycles akin to a waterfall, and she certainly loved to keep me on my toes.
Uterus: Wassssupppp?!
Me: You again? Already?!
Just when I thought I had her figured out, she would surprise me.
Uterus: 3…
Me: Huh?
Uterus: 2…
Me: Wait!
Uterus: 1…
Uterus: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Me: Not the surprise party I was hoping for.
And she never shied away from her lack of accountability.
Uterus: Oops, my bad.
Me: In the library…on cloth seats…are you serious?!
Uterus: It’s been 4 hours since our last bathroom visit, are YOU kidding ME?!
But like any relationship, we eventually developed a level of comfort that allowed for candid exchanges. It became a kind of playful banter that only those who know each other intimately can share.
Me: Did you ever receive the Advil I sent you? Shouldn’t it have arrived by now?
Uterus: Yeah, I got it, but I’m not really in the mood. Let’s grab some Aleve and have a Titanic movie marathon.
Uterus: What’s the agenda for tonight?
Me: Going out to dinner with friends.
Uterus: OMG WE NEED DESSERT.
Me: No way, I’m watching my diet.
Uterus: Right, so two desserts plus 90% of the chips and salsa sounds good.
One day, while curled up on the couch, binge-watching episodes of A Baby Story on TLC, I had a profound realization about my uterus (which I assure you is quite normal). I reflected on that initial message in the restroom and all the poorly timed ones that followed. I recalled the ruined underwear, the urgent “I need a bathroom now” anxiety, and the relentless cramps that Midol commercials so cheerfully enumerate during Wheel of Fortune.
For 14 years, my uterus had been surprisingly quiet, lying dormant throughout my childhood before entering my life with the intensity of a drum major during puberty. I had resented her for it.
However, watching new mothers sob joyfully over their newborns made me recognize that, despite her occasional antics, my uterus could indeed be remarkable. And so, I raised my glass of green tea and a piece of dark chocolate from Hershey’s in a toast to the day she would send me her most beautiful message yet.
Uterus: Baby on board.
This article was originally published on April 13, 2016.
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Summary
The article recounts the humorous and challenging relationship between a young woman and her uterus, illustrating the ups and downs of menstruation and the eventual acceptance of the body’s natural processes. It highlights the importance of understanding and embracing one’s reproductive health, while also directing readers to useful resources on home insemination and pregnancy.
Keyphrase: texts from my uterus
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