As I approach the final weeks of my second pregnancy, my noticeable baby bump and the accompanying discomforts make it clear that I’m nearing the end of this journey. With every passing day, I find myself on the receiving end of well-meaning yet hollow phrases from friends and family, such as, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help!” Frankly, I call it out for what it is—insincere.
During my first pregnancy, these words felt like a warm hug. I was genuinely touched by the offers of support from both close friends and acquaintances. It seemed heartwarming that so many people wanted to lend a hand during what I anticipated would be a major life shift. However, the reality was quite different: many of those offers were just empty expressions.
Don’t misunderstand me; I wholeheartedly believe that raising children requires a community. It took me two years to establish my support network, which has been essential for my well-being as a mother. Yet, those years were also filled with experiences of distinguishing between genuine offers of help and mere words intended to fill silence.
Over time, I did find sincere friends willing to assist, and I’m grateful for them. However, I also encountered many who were not truly invested in providing support. There were instances when friends who promised to listen vanished when I needed a sympathetic ear. I relied on playdates to socialize and recharge, only to have them canceled. Even family members who expressed a desire to spend time with my children sometimes fell short. It stung, feeling like a personal rejection not only of me but also of my child.
Now, as I prepare for my second child, I feel a pang of discomfort whenever I hear those same words from individuals who disappointed me in the past. I find myself more cautious around new acquaintances offering help. Can I trust their intentions? Are they sincere?
So, I urge you: please refrain from offering assistance unless you genuinely mean it. If you say it simply to make yourself feel better or to appear helpful, you’re doing both me and yourself a disservice. When the moment comes that I might reach out, it can lead to an awkward situation if you have to backtrack, creating discomfort for both parties.
If you want to convey goodwill without the implied obligation, consider saying “best of luck” or “congratulations.” These phrases are kind and don’t carry any expectations. We can go about our lives without me adding you to my mental list of those to contact for real support.
I’ve learned who my reliable support network is through challenges like postpartum depression, colic, and breastfeeding difficulties. Many new mothers are still discovering this, often through hard lessons. Seeking help is a significant step, especially when the new mother feels overwhelmed and vulnerable. If she reaches out, don’t let your own discomfort prevent you from stepping up.
Ultimately, the question is simple: Will you be there when she calls? If not, please don’t offer to help.