In the realm of parenting, it’s nearly impossible to escape the wave of recent studies flooding the internet. A notable example is a piece on The New York Times’ Motherlode blog, which discusses the difficult decision regarding the use of antidepressants during pregnancy and their potential link to autism in children. While this information understandably induces anxiety, it also serves as a reminder that the decision is complex and multifaceted.
As a mother with anxiety, I don’t refer to the typical, relatable worries that come with parenthood—like fretting over the color and consistency of an infant’s stool while sipping a glass of wine to ease my nerves. My experience runs deeper; it’s the kind of anxiety that keeps me awake at night, obsessively inhaling essential oils in the bathtub, terrified that I might forget how to breathe if I doze off.
I’ve explored nearly every natural remedy available: therapy, spiritual healing, herbal medicine, a plethora of essential oils, strict dietary changes, yoga, mindfulness, and various supplements. However, these approaches were akin to taking ibuprofen for an excruciating migraine; they might dull the pain a little, but they never fully addressed the underlying issue. For me, the imbalance in my brain chemistry manifests as a relentless state of hyper-vigilance, preventing me from thriving or even functioning.
For nearly two decades, I relied on a small pink pill each morning, which helped me transition from merely surviving life to truly living it. Then came pregnancy, where the stakes felt higher. Suddenly, the familiar pink pill that had been my ally felt like an added burden. I became consumed with anxiety about my anxiety and the medication I depended on—what a paradox.
With the encouragement of my partner, midwife, and doula, I decided to continue with my antidepressant for anxiety management. This choice proved beneficial, as I maintained a mostly stable state throughout my pregnancy and in the postpartum period. The process of making a decision regarding antidepressant use taught me several important lessons:
Acceptance of Limitations
From vaccines to childcare, there are countless sources of anxiety, each presenting opportunities for self-doubt about our parenting choices. I realized that the very medication designed to alleviate my panic had also become a source of anxiety. Ultimately, we can only make the best decisions with the resources available to us, one day at a time, while trusting that we will find the strength to tackle challenges as they arise.
The Importance of Seeking Help
As mothers, we often excel at supporting others but struggle to extend the same kindness to ourselves. If a friend confided about her mental health struggles, I would encourage her to prioritize her well-being. Yet, I found it difficult to take my own advice, feeling that my situation was somehow different. I’ve learned that acknowledging my limitations and seeking assistance makes me a better parent.
Dismiss the Critics
Upon sharing my decision to take medication, I encountered judgment from some individuals who questioned how I could allow “chemicals” to affect my unborn child. This experience reinforced two lessons: first, that everyone’s circumstances are unique and we shouldn’t judge until we understand their journey; and second, that it’s best not to share my child’s dietary choices with overly opinionated friends.
Prioritize Self-Care
It’s crucial to remember the airplane safety briefing about putting on your oxygen mask first. I am a more attentive mother when my physical and emotional needs are met. A wise friend once reminded me, “If you were diabetic, you’d take insulin. So, take your anxiety medication.” Each individual’s context is different, yet the challenge remains in taking necessary actions for personal health.
We Are All Doing Our Best
Our anxiety stems from a desire to be good parents. The weight of decisions like medication use can feel overwhelming, leading me to question whether my choices make me a bad mom. However, the very fact that I contemplated these decisions reflects my commitment to my child’s well-being. Recognizing this is a victory in itself.
In conclusion, my journey through pregnancy and mental health has reaffirmed that prioritizing my well-being is essential. I have learned that taking care of myself enables me to be a better mother, and that we all navigate our paths in unique and personal ways.
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