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- Do I Have the Right to Want More?
by Emily Turner
March 2, 2016
EyeJoy / iStock
Awakening to the sight of my joyful, smiling son, I come to the realization that this is not merely a dream. This is my life. My child is warm, playful, and incredibly affectionate.
So why do I feel this nagging sense of inadequacy?
As my partner, Tom, prepares our son’s breakfast, I brush my son’s Toy Story toothbrush with toothpaste, and an overwhelming wave of guilt washes over me. Surrounded by love in our cozy home, I feel the comforting warmth beneath my feet on this chilly winter morning. I hear my son, Max, chatting happily about the Fitbit he hopes to receive for his birthday, and I see our beloved dog, Bella, eagerly anticipating her morning walk.
Again, I ask myself, why isn’t this enough?
It feels as if I’m in the depths of mourning. For the last year and a half, Tom and I have been attempting to conceive a second child, and so far, we’ve encountered nothing but obstacles. Despite all the careful charting, temperature tracking, and prayers, our struggle with infertility continues. To say that I feel unfulfilled would be an understatement of epic proportions.
Tom is a wonderful father to Max, having entered his life when he was three years old after a tumultuous divorce. We were childhood friends who reconnected, and the idea of having more children was never part of our plans. However, after Tom grew to love Max and we married, the desire for a larger family emerged. I had previously been pregnant twice: once leading to an early miscarriage and once resulting in an amazing, healthy baby boy. How could this be so challenging? We were ready.
Months passed, each one filled with disappointment. I began to feel as though my body was waging war against me. We believed we were doing everything right: we are deeply in love, responsible parents, college-educated, and Tom is a highly regarded chef. What could possibly be the issue?
Eventually, I found myself in tears at my gynecologist’s office, leading to a series of tests. After extensive examinations and sample donations, we were relieved to learn that everything appeared normal. Yes! Perhaps it was simply a matter of time.
As time dragged on, however, nothing changed. Friends joyfully shared their pregnancy announcements, and I offered genuine congratulations while secretly grieving behind closed doors. I felt guilty for my self-pity, but the truth is, I wished for just one more positive test. I longed to see Tom’s radiant smile as I revealed that it was finally our moment.
One year has now elapsed, and after visiting another OB-GYN and a reproductive endocrinologist, we still lack answers regarding our infertility. At this point, I feel as though I’ve lost something – though I can’t quite identify what it is. The guilt I experience may be even more burdensome than the grief. How dare I feel sorry for myself? I have so much to be grateful for. Others may never experience pregnancy or childbirth, and I’ve been fortunate to feel Max grow and move within me. My body did what it was meant to do; I nurtured a healthy baby.
Moreover, I’ve found love again with Tom—a genuine, passionate love that swept me off my feet. How can I allow myself to feel sorry? Yet, I can’t help but feel broken, empty, and afraid. I worry that when Tom and I are no longer here, Max will lack someone to share stories of “Mom and Dad.” I fear he may never know the deep love of a sibling as Tom and I do. The bond I share with my siblings is unbreakable; they are an integral part of my being, and I am thankful for them. I fear Max may never experience that connection, and it feels like my fault.
Determined not to give up, albeit terrified, we will continue to try. I’ll keep taking prenatal vitamins “just in case,” and Tom will keep taking Zinc to enhance his sperm quality. I’m uncertain if we’ll ever stop. In just a few days, we have yet another appointment with a reputed reproductive endocrinologist. Perhaps she will offer the guidance we seek? Maybe this time will finally yield the results we desire.
As I step into the kitchen where Tom and Max are still enjoying breakfast, I realize that this may indeed be the family we are meant to have: Tom, Max, Bella, and myself. Standing in the kitchen doorway, watching and listening to my precious son and devoted husband, my eyes brim with tears and a smile spreads across my weary face. These tears are not from another negative pregnancy test or the announcement of a friend’s pregnancy. Instead, they are tears of love and gratitude. In this moment, I understand that this is enough. We are a happy and healthy family enriched by love and respect. If this is the family structure we are destined for, then I can accept that as enough.
For further insights into the journey of home insemination, check out our article on artificial insemination kits. If you’re interested in exploring various fertility options, couples fertility journey is a valuable resource. Additionally, for comprehensive information on modern reproductive techniques, this Wikipedia entry on in vitro fertilisation serves as an excellent guide.
In summary, despite the challenges of infertility, it’s essential to recognize and cherish the blessings already present in our lives.
Keyphrase: infertility journey
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]