When your little one struggles with falling and staying asleep, well-meaning friends and family are quick to offer a plethora of unsolicited sleep advice. While they’d probably be more helpful as free babysitters during the witching hours of 3 to 10 a.m., you might find yourself trying their suggestions in a desperate attempt for some rest. After enduring months of sleepless nights, you may even feel compelled to recite something akin to Dr. Seuss when faced with yet another piece of advice: “No! He will not sleep in a box, he will not sleep with a fox, he will not sleep in a house, he will not sleep with a mouse; he just won’t sleep, I’m about to lose my cool!”
Instead of reiterating the same old sleep tips, here’s a non-exhaustive list of methods that are unlikely to help your baby sleep through the night—non-exhaustive because, quite frankly, I’m too fatigued to compile a complete list:
- Swaddling
- Not swaddling
- Pacifiers
- Rocking to sleep
- Not rocking to sleep
- Dream feeds
- Skipping dream feeds
- Drowsy but awake. This is also known as, “I’m drowsy, but if you even think about putting me down while I’m awake, you’ll witness a meltdown of epic proportions.”
- A calming bath
- A chaotic bath during which an older sibling douses baby with water
- Room sharing
- Bed sharing
- Cry it out
- Bed sharing after failed cry-it-out attempts
- Lavender room spray
- Accidentally spilling a bottle of lavender oil, resulting in your home smelling like a French brothel for a week
- Singing lullabies
- Background noise at acceptable levels
- White noise
- Absolute silence
- Neighbors slamming car doors
- Nursing to sleep
- Not nursing to sleep
- Cry-it-out again
- Every book or website ever created on baby sleep
- Homeopathic teething tablets
- Allowing baby to nap whenever
- Following a strict routine with two naps a day
- Skipping naps
- Car naps
- Stroller naps
- Crib naps
- Holding baby until your arm goes numb during naps
- A comprehensive bedtime routine
- Going to bed on time
- Going to bed early
- Going to bed late
- Waking up early
- Sleeping in late (just kidding—this will never happen)
- Fairy sleep dust made from ground unicorn horns purchased in bulk from the local health co-op
- Cotton pajamas
- Fleece pajamas
- Sleep sacks
- Warm blankets
- Light blankets
- No blankets
- A new crib mattress
- Mercury retrograde
- Rushing in at the first whimper to prevent escalation
- Waiting 5 to 10 minutes to see if baby will settle
- Night-weaning
- Cry-it-out a third time
- Not returning the pacifier after it’s been thrown across the room
- Returning the pacifier an hour later
- Bargaining with God
- Trying to reason with the baby using logic
- Offering cash to the child
If you manage to keep your sleep-deprived eyes open long enough to peruse any article on helping babies (or toddlers—let’s be real) sleep through the night, a common theme emerges: time. In each success story, the baby matures and eventually starts sleeping through the night. Yours will too, and when that day comes, you’ll find yourself part of an exclusive group of mothers who can casually say, “Enjoy every moment! It all goes by so fast!” to fellow exhausted moms at the grocery store. Until then, persevere. Your baby will sleep one day. A mom can dream, right? Well, daydream, at least.
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Summary
This article humorously outlines numerous ineffective strategies for getting babies to sleep, emphasizing the common experience of sleep-deprived parents. Ultimately, it reassures that, with time, most babies will eventually learn to sleep through the night.
Keyphrase: ineffective baby sleep strategies
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