Updated: Jan. 28, 2016
Originally Published: Jan. 26, 2016
The nursery is impeccably prepared, the hospital bag is ready, and you’ve subscribed to the BabyCenter newsletter. Ah, the BabyCenter newsletters! A weekly influx of information for parents who are already inundated with advice. Yet, who truly needs guidance during this pivotal time? It’s not the well-informed adults with fully developed reasoning skills—it’s the infants who just moments ago were oblivious to the very act of breathing.
1 Week…
At this stage, your parents may still exhibit a hint of energy, but that will soon morph into desperate fatigue when they are alone, and a facade of enthusiasm when guests arrive. Friends and relatives will visit frequently, poking at your belly and comparing your features to theirs.
Overheard: “…and your aunt mentioned, ‘Oh my! She has my nose!’ How outrageous! If she has your aunt’s nose, brace yourself for the passive-aggressive expressions that follow.” – Parent
1 Month…
You are still adjusting to the act of breathing, which feels utterly alien. Your head, once misshapen from the birthing process, is gradually returning to normal. Enormous beings—who are ten times your size—will pick you up and sway you while singing nonsensical songs. Despite the bizarre nature of your new reality, your parents will struggle to understand your cries, even going as far as to label you as “colicky.” Just hang in there; things are bound to get more daunting.
Overheard: “Why can’t she stop crying? This makes no sense. Hand me that thermometer. Let’s check her temperature.” – Father
2 Months…
Relish these moments of lying on your back in the crib, enjoying the mobile above you (you won’t believe how season 2 ends!). Unfortunately, soon your parents will start enforcing mandatory sessions known as “Tummy Time.” Despite the playful name, Tummy Time feels akin to a form of mild torture. You’ll flail helplessly on a blanket while your parents are glued to their devices. To complicate matters, they may begin administering gas drops, as if gas is the only thing that brings you joy.
Overheard: “Look at that! She smiled at me first! It must be because I put her socks on. Her little feet are so cold. You have to keep her warm!” – Grandmother
6 Months…
Did you know that during peek-a-boo, when your parent’s hands obscure their face, the face is still present, just hidden? This is known as “object permanence,” and you’ll soon put this concept to the test by trying to destroy everything within reach. If something is unfamiliar, it’s perfectly acceptable to taste it. Just remember, what your parents refer to as “cereal” is not nearly as enticing as the Lucky Charms they’re devouring. That iPad? Who knows? It might be a delectable treat.
Overheard: “Yesterday she chewed on my phone, and today she bit the cat. Where did this oral fixation come from? Pass the wine.” – Mother
1 Year…
Today marks a full orbit of the Earth since your dramatic entry into the world, which calls for a celebration. A colorful cake, adorned with candles, will be placed before you as onlookers sing. Once the flames are extinguished, you’ll be introduced to the joys of refined sugar, much to everyone’s amusement. For the rest of your life, you’ll be told to avoid it, despite your initial enjoyment.
Overheard: “She has no idea what to do! Just give it to her! Haha! Look at her face!” – Aunt Lucy, while indulging in cake.
2 Years…
The traumatic memories of childbirth will begin to fade. Life’s initial shock will be a distant memory, and you will come to understand your role as the family’s center of attention. You deserve all the affection and possessions you desire. If you feel slighted, don’t hesitate to express it! Throw yourself on the floor, thrash your limbs, and vocalize your frustrations. It worked in the past, and it will undoubtedly work again.
Overheard: “I get it! I feel the same way! I think I’m ready. Let’s have another baby.” – Parent
In conclusion, navigating the early stages of parenthood can be fraught with contradictions and challenges. For more insights into pregnancy, consider visiting the CDC for excellent resources, or check out our other blog post about the essential tools needed for at-home insemination kits, such as the 18-piece artificial insemination kit.
For those looking to delve deeper into this topic, the impregnator at-home insemination kit has valuable information.