The most notable parenting error I made during my initial year as a mother is one that I continue to grapple with two decades later. I tend to be excessively rigid and uptight. At times, I even feel as if a spring might spring out of my head due to my tension.
I married a man, David, who embodies a laid-back, go-with-the-flow attitude. He doesn’t share my concerns, a contrast that became evident when our children were young. I firmly believed that our kids needed a strict schedule for meals and sleep. For me, having designated times for eating and bedtime was my only hope of maintaining any semblance of sanity amidst the chaos. Let’s face it—babies call the shots, and I was exhausted, yearning for just a moment to freshen up.
While David worked, I was the one at home with the children, taking on the responsibility of their care around the clock, including those exhausting late-night feedings and diaper changes. This often left me feeling grumpy and worn out. Sticking to a schedule was my only chance to catch more than a few hours of sleep at a time.
This rigid approach made me anxious about every social engagement and birthday party invitation. The pressure to ensure our children were fed and well-rested before leaving the house was overwhelming. I remember wishing for just one family outing that felt relaxed; however, I can hardly recall a calm meal during their early years. We could barely sit at the table for a minute before someone needed a diaper change or woke up early from a nap, requiring soothing. Even passing the baby to David didn’t help; they would invariably scream for me.
Looking back now, I see a lifetime spent trying to structure our lives to avoid chaos. I live by the clock, and while I appreciate this aspect of my personality, I realize that not everything needs to be meticulously planned. Many of life’s most beautiful moments are spontaneous—the moments I likely missed because I felt compelled to adhere to a schedule. My need for control often stifles the joy of unexpected experiences.
I have friends, Alex and Maria, who had children later in life and are even more inflexible than I am, which prompts me to reflect on my own behavior. Watching them navigate parenthood is like staring into a less flattering mirror, making me acutely aware of what I wish I had done differently. There were numerous instances when I should have let go, recognizing that my insistence on control only added stress for everyone involved. The desire for perfection is an additional burden that many mothers, including myself, bear.
Now that my children are in their 20s, the prevailing sentiment in our home is that “mom is so uptight,” a realization that makes me cringe. I still find it difficult to maintain a relaxed atmosphere when they visit, and I often become anxious if we leave the house without a clear plan. The thought of waiting somewhere without a structured agenda fills me with dread, as I envision how the rest of the day could unfold. I notice glimmers of my rigidity in my children as well; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Yet, I wish it didn’t have to be this way. Life would undoubtedly be easier and more enjoyable without my compulsion to control its pace.
When spontaneous changes arise—something David seems to thrive on—I’m attempting to shift my mindset. Rather than immediately dismissing these ideas with a lengthy list of reasons they wouldn’t work, I’m learning to embrace the possibility that they could actually be enjoyable. Striking a balance between spontaneity and structure is my current objective. Letting go of the notion that everything must unfold perfectly is the crucial first step. My greatest parenting misstep from that first year? Well, it’s still a work in progress.
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In summary, my parenting journey has been marked by a struggle with rigidity, a trait that has shaped my experiences and relationships with my children. While structure has its benefits, embracing spontaneity is essential for a more fulfilling and enjoyable life.
Keyphrase: parenting rigidity
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