Menu
By Taylor Anderson
Updated: Dec. 21, 2015
Originally Published: Dec. 21, 2015
Let’s get one thing straight: after bringing four children into the world, I feel I’ve earned some credibility in this conversation. Lately, I’ve been on a #dontjudge campaign, and I believe we need even more of it. Here’s my message:
Don’t evaluate another’s reproductive experience through the lens of your own.
This is a mantra worth adopting. Or perhaps, don’t form opinions until you’ve truly understood someone else’s journey. Because the reality is, every labor experience is unique.
As my friends embark on their own paths to motherhood, I find myself wanting to protect their feelings and their bodies—bodies that are not up for public scrutiny, just so we’re clear. There’s a pervasive notion that there’s a “perfect way” to do things.
Now, allow me a moment to stand on my soapbox: They nurtured a baby, and that baby had to exit their bodies. We ought to be offering more high-fives and far fewer judgments.
Exhibit A: Weight Gain
Let’s just agree to keep quiet about it. Many women gain exactly the “right” amount of weight during pregnancy (as decreed by the pregnancy literature), and that’s commendable—but they shouldn’t serve as the standard against which all mothers are measured—think of them as mythical creatures or elite athletes. Others may gain the appropriate amount (or even less) due to genetics, morning sickness, or other factors; judging them is unfair because, honestly, you don’t know their story. And for those who may feel like they’re carrying a lot of extra weight, I empathize with you. Remember, you are creating a life. To all forms of weight gain, I salute you.
Exhibit B: Epidural, Natural, or Caesarean
This brings me back to my original point. Don’t judge another’s experience based on your own. You have no insight into what someone else’s labor will entail. Your birth narrative is not theirs. Each labor is distinct, and it’s unreasonable to expect otherwise. For instance, even my four deliveries (all from the same body) could bear their own unique titles—something like “Blissfully Naive,” “Giant Head,” “Chainsaw Through My Body,” and “Sweet Potato Fries.” (I’m thankful my partner was there; otherwise, I might have resorted to Old Testament-style names like “One Who Angered Me” or “One Who Made Me Scream.” But those tales are for another day.)
Regarding Caesareans, while some may argue they are overused, they can also be life-saving for both mothers and infants. That’s significant. Women who have undergone C-sections are incredibly strong—imagine enduring 60 hours of labor only to face a surgical delivery, or a friend whose anesthesia failed. Let’s pause for a moment to appreciate the strength in those stories.
So why not empower the mother to own her experience, regardless of how it unfolds? Because, truly, there is no greater story to tell.
Exhibit C: Home, Hospital, or Birth Center
One of my favorite comedic anecdotes is from Jim Gaffigan, who humorously recounts how people say they would have a home birth, but they wanted their baby to live. Hilarious! The choice of where to give birth should rest solely with the individual, as comfort and safety vary. When I’m in a hospital, my priority is asking, “When can I check out, and could I get another cheeseburger and milkshake?” Meanwhile, my friend Emma prefers to avoid what she describes as a “disease-infested asylum.” If you’re not the one experiencing contractions, it’s best to keep your opinions to yourself.
I haven’t even touched on those who choose not to have children, which is also a personal decision. Or consider those unable to conceive biologically, or the mothers fighting postpartum depression—my heart goes out to you, and I honor your struggle. We also have surrogates, who are remarkable, and families that adopt—bring on the tears, because that is beautiful.
Ladies, let’s link arms and affirm one another by saying, “I respect you, and therefore I honor your story.” I can almost hear a collective sigh of relief, especially from me.
If you take away just one thing, let it be this: Don’t judge another’s experience.