By: Lily Thompson
Updated: Dec. 3, 2018
Originally Published: Dec. 2, 2015
Earlier this summer, I found myself in the park’s picnic area, feeding my daughter. As I watched my partner push our son on the swings, I noticed a young mother nearby. She was tending to a baby who appeared to be around my daughter’s age, while an older woman—presumably her mother—cared for a little boy close to my son’s age.
As my daughter sipped her milk, I observed the scene quietly. When the baby began to fuss, the young woman, looking overwhelmed, asked, “What do I do?” Her mother quickly scooped up the baby and encouraged her daughter, “Take Jake to the playground.” The young woman’s face brightened. “Are you sure?” “Absolutely,” replied the older woman, soothing the crying infant. With that, the young mother and her son dashed off to the playground, leaving the older woman to calm the baby.
In that moment, I felt a twinge of envy as I glanced at my daughter. I’m a mother without a mother. My own mom passed away several years ago, and while I don’t resent this young woman for having her mother, I find myself longing for my mom for countless reasons.
I wish my mother had known about her grandson. She spent her final year in hospice care and passed away when my son was just six weeks old. My mother adored her two daughters and cherished her nephews. The joy of having a grandson would have been immeasurable. Although I brought my son to see her once, I can’t be certain that she remembered.
I wish my mother could have met my daughter. My little girl already embodies grace and charm and reminds me so much of her grandmother. My mother once told me that she “bossed people around with a smile,” and I can imagine her delight in seeing her spunky granddaughter.
I often think about how my mother could have helped me after the births of my children. A phenomenal cook, she had a knack for recreating dishes with ease. It would have brought her immense joy to prepare something special for me during those early days with my newborns.
When I faced moments of panic about parenting, I wish I could have turned to my mother for reassurance. She would have known exactly how to calm my fears, but instead, I turned to the internet and parenting books for guidance.
I long for the comfort of sharing my struggles with my mother, especially on days when I felt lost or inadequate as a parent. No one understands a child like their mother does.
Moreover, I wish my children had an additional person in their lives who would think they are perfect. My mother, an artist who taught me how to draw, would have taken immense pride in my son’s artistic talent. In my dreams, I envision them sitting at a table together, with her guiding his hand as he creates.
Most importantly, I wish I could express to my mother how much I admire her. I only truly recognized her strength and resilience after becoming a mother myself. She balanced raising two children, managing a household, and pursuing a master’s degree in clinical psychology while dedicating her life to helping those in need.
For those of you who are mothers without your own mothers, you likely resonate with this longing. It creates a profound emptiness that can never be filled. However, each day, I feel my mother’s spirit in my children. I see her kindness in my daughter’s smile and her fiery spirit in my son’s eyes. I hope wherever she is, she knows how proud I am to be her daughter.
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Summary:
This reflection captures the profound experience of motherhood without a maternal guide. The author shares heartfelt wishes and memories of her late mother, illustrating the complex emotions faced by those navigating parenting alone. Each day, she finds comfort in seeing her mother’s spirit in her children, while also acknowledging the resources available for those seeking guidance in family planning.
Keyphrase: motherhood without a mother
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