Yesterday unfolded like any other day. I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and attended to the kids. My partner, Jake, also started his day with a shower before taking the dogs for a walk. We loaded the kids into the car and dropped them off at daycare. After a long workday, we picked them up and returned home.
Upon arriving, Jake took our toddler to see the puppies, who were eagerly awaiting our return. Meanwhile, I took off our jackets and hung them neatly in the closet. I then removed my shoes and took the baby with me to change. After changing, I began to tidy up the kitchen table, clearing away papers and clutter. Once I finished, the baby and I went to play in the living room.
At that moment, Jake and our toddler returned from the basement. He removed the toddler’s jacket and shoes but set them on the kitchen table. Instead of putting them away, he headed to the cupboard to grab himself a snack. I felt compelled to ask, “Could you please help me out and put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
As I uttered those words, I reflected on my interactions with Jake. “Help me out” seemed inadequate. He’s not merely assisting me; he is my partner, an equal contributor to our household. I realized that I was framing our relationship incorrectly. I stated, “Actually, could you just do it? It’s not helping me out; it’s simply taking care of your child’s things.” He didn’t respond but complied.
From that day forward, I resolved to stop asking Jake for assistance—unless it involved something genuinely daunting, like dispatching an enormous spider that had invaded our home. Here’s why:
1. It Undervalues His Role
Jake is an adult, fully capable of managing responsibilities. He should not be seen as my assistant, but as a partner who contributes equally to our family life. If I need something done, I can directly communicate that without framing it as a request for help.
2. It Shifts Responsibility
I don’t bear the sole burden of maintaining our home and caring for our children. Phrasing my requests as “help me out” inadvertently places that responsibility on my shoulders. I want to share the load equally, not take on more than my fair share.
3. It Sets a Misleading Precedent
I don’t want our children to grow up thinking that performing household tasks is a favor to their partner. I want them to understand the importance of being a true partner, contributing their fair share and taking pride in it.
4. It Erodes Our Partnership
Jake is my equal, and while our methods may differ, our goal is the same: a happy, healthy family environment. I don’t want to direct him or make him feel like he’s merely assisting me. His role encompasses being a father and my partner—and yes, even dealing with those pesky bugs.
Therefore, the next time Jake leaves his clean laundry in the dryer for an extended period, instead of asking him to “help me out” by folding it, I’ll simply request that he clear his things from the way.
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In summary, recognizing that my partner and I share responsibilities equally has transformed how I approach our household dynamics. By reframing my language and expectations, I aim to foster a more balanced partnership that will set a positive example for our children.
Keyphrase: partnership in parenting
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