Updated: July 20, 2020
Originally Published: November 25, 2015
In discussions about adoption, social media often showcases phrases like “born in my heart, not under it,” accompanied by heartfelt memes about being “chosen” and “blessed.” However, beneath these sentiments lies profound heartache—the birth mother grappling with her decision and the complex emotions intertwined with the notion of being “born in my heart.”
As a mother of three—two of whom are adopted (one biological child and two from China)—I have come to see my children simply as my kids, rather than distinguishing them as “adopted.” It has been over two years since our last adoption was finalized, and the initial adjustment period has settled into what resembles normalcy, or at least my version of it.
The sentimental adoption posts that appear on my social media feed resonate deeply with me. Our family is shaped by adoption, and this experience has imparted valuable lessons about my identity and life’s intricacies. I often find myself reflecting on how our adoption journey has led me to this point in life. In my 20s, I could never have imagined the twists and turns that adoption would bring, but I now recognize that the unpredictability of life is universal.
Adoption has led me to unexpected places and influenced every aspect of my existence. Here are four significant lessons I have learned along the way:
1. Embracing New Cultures
As a white woman from South Texas, my traditions revolved around Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Tex-Mex cuisine. Welcoming Asian children into our family has broadened my cultural perspective. Although my children are American—specifically, Texans—their Asian heritage necessitates that I acknowledge and incorporate aspects of that culture into our daily lives. I strive to celebrate events like Lunar New Year and Moon Festival, but I often feel like I could do more. This journey has opened my eyes to a richer world beyond my initial borders.
2. Understanding Hurt and Healing
While I once viewed adoption solely as a joyous occasion, I have come to realize the complex layers it encompasses. Many are familiar with postpartum depression, yet the post-adoption depression that affected me was largely unrecognized and isolating. Witnessing the plight of children in China who remain unadopted has been deeply moving. Although we did not adopt with the intention of “saving a child,” visiting orphanages opened my eyes to the harsh realities many children face, leaving me with a heavy heart.
3. Cultivating Patience and Diplomacy
I have always been someone who prefers instant gratification; however, the adoption process is characterized by prolonged waiting, extensive paperwork, and stress. It’s akin to experiencing a lengthy, unpredictable pregnancy. While I haven’t achieved perfect patience, I have learned to accept the uncertainty and develop a more measured outlook. This shift has made me a better mother and a more content individual. Additionally, I’ve learned to handle well-meaning but intrusive questions with diplomacy, protecting my children’s privacy while addressing curiosity with grace.
4. Recognizing Adoption as a Valid Choice
Initially, adoption felt like a secondary option. I worried that I might not love my adopted children as deeply as I would a biological child, but that concern has proven unfounded. While bonding wasn’t instantaneous, I now wholeheartedly love my adopted kids just as I would a biological child. This journey has taught me that valuable things often come with challenges, and the effort put into building these relationships is worthwhile.
Life continues to surprise me, and I have learned that there is always more to explore and understand. Adoption has transformed my life in myriad ways, often in chaotic and messy fashion, but fundamentally for the better.
For those interested in the intricacies of home insemination and pregnancy options, you can explore additional insights in this article on artificial insemination kits or check out this excellent resource on the IVF process. The journey of parenthood, whether through adoption or other means, is unique and full of lessons.
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