Updated: July 27, 2016
Originally Published: November 9, 2015
My eldest son, Ethan, is a skilled negotiator. From the moment he uttered his first word, he has been engaged in debates over bedtime, the number of TV shows he can watch, and the maximum amount of chocolate-chip cookies he is allowed to eat.
What I discovered is that, more than simply watching another episode of his favorite show or indulging in that seventh cookie, what mattered most to him was the feeling of winning.
As adults, it’s easy to romanticize childhood, yet we often overlook how little control children truly have over their lives. It must be quite frustrating for a capable, slightly rebellious child like Ethan to have every aspect of his day dictated—his meals planned, chores assigned, and activities scheduled.
Rather than stifling his desire for autonomy, I choose to let him win—not all the time, of course (the eighth cookie is a hard no!), but enough that he cultivates a strong sense of self and honed negotiation skills. Now that he is nearly 12, I grant him even more autonomy, as he is old enough to comprehend that poor choices often lead to natural consequences. Over time, I find myself relying less on punishments and more on the subtle satisfaction of watching him learn from his decisions.
Here are eight ways I allowed Ethan to “win” this week:
- I didn’t insist he eat breakfast. This is a persistent struggle. He claims he doesn’t like what I offer, has no time, or simply isn’t hungry. Normally, I would enforce some breakfast, but this week I decided to let it go. He returned home from school feeling miserable and hungry, and the next morning, he made himself cereal without a fuss.
- I allowed him to go without a jacket or umbrella in the pouring rain. He ended up drenched. I kept my laughter to a minimum.
- I permitted him to play computer games after school before tackling his homework. He lost track of time and stayed up too late finishing his assignments. The next day, he opted to do his homework right after school. My head was spinning from all the “I told you so” thoughts bouncing around in there.
- I let him spend his own $40 on a poorly-reviewed remote-control helicopter. It broke within an hour, and although I felt for him, I resisted the urge to return his money.
- I didn’t require him to clean his room. As a result, he misplaced one library book, two favorite pairs of pants, and $3. When he eventually found the library books, he had to use the $3—recovered from his lost pants—to pay the late fees.
- I skipped enforcing his chores of taking out the trash and doing the dishes. I didn’t do them either, leading to a dinner of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on napkins next to a stinky overflowing garbage. Meanwhile, I enjoyed takeout sushi with a hidden smile.
- I let him hang on the dog gate, despite my warnings that it would break. It broke, and the dog chewed up five of his beloved baseball cards. I bit my lip to suppress a lecture.
- I didn’t force him to give me a hug at the bus stop on his first day of school in front of his friends. I wasn’t smirking afterward; I had to wipe away a few tears. However, when he waved to me from the “cool section” of the bus, my heart did a little dance.
The reality is that our children won’t be with us forever. While insisting on obedience might make life easier for us in the short term, teaching them about the natural consequences of their choices will benefit them throughout their lives. I admit there are still many moments when I enforce rules (that eighth cookie will forever remain out of reach!). Yet, I strive to let him win whenever possible, even if those victories come with consequences.
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Summary:
This article emphasizes the value of allowing children to make choices and experience the consequences of their actions. By letting his son win in various situations, the author fosters his independence and negotiation skills while preparing him for real-life challenges.
Keyphrase: Allowing Children to Win
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