My routine appointment at 32 weeks was just like all the others. Strong heartbeat? Check. Measuring on track? Check. Weight gain? Double check.
“Only eight more weeks to go!” my midwife exclaimed brightly.
“Ugh. I was kind of hoping for a mix-up, and that I was actually due tomorrow. I’m so done with this.”
She chuckled. “I’m afraid that’s not the case. It’s the final stretch. Just hang in there and try to enjoy this time.”
As I wiped the sticky gel off my belly, I felt enormous, uncomfortable, unattractive, and overwhelmed with sadness. Enjoy this time? I had despised every moment of my pregnancy, and the thought of enduring another two months felt unbearable.
Five days later, my water broke. After eight days of hospital bed rest, I welcomed a tiny premature baby into the world.
Motherhood quickly unleashed a torrent of emotions that I anticipated: joy, frustration, fear, compassion, anxiety, empathy, and, of course, love. Each feeling hit me deeply, often all at once, and it was overwhelming. However, I recognized that this emotional whirlwind was normal—hormonal, even. I didn’t allow myself to be consumed by these feelings; I remained strong for my baby.
Yet, one emotion caught me completely off guard: guilt.
From the moment my preterm baby entered the world, I was engulfed by a crushing sense of guilt. It felt as though my body had decided to respond to my complaints during pregnancy with, “You want it to be over? Fine, it’s over.” I was convinced that my selfish thoughts had somehow caused my child’s early arrival. Even though my doctors reassured me that my water breaking was simply an unfortunate incident beyond my control, the guilt lingered.
I felt guilty when I learned that my baby would be heading directly to the NICU. I felt guilty each time I visited him there and even more so when I wasn’t present, all while trying to prepare my home for his arrival (I hadn’t even had my baby shower yet). I felt guilty that he came home on a breathing monitor because of concerns over his lung development. I felt guilty about everything.
Fast forward to now; my son is five months old, thriving, and adored—not just by me but also by healthcare professionals. Still, guilt remains a daily companion. Each time I attempt to forgive myself for a parenting misstep, whether significant (like having a premature baby) or trivial (like not reading to him at bedtime), another reason to feel guilty emerges.
Here’s a glimpse into the guilt I’ve experienced today, and it’s only 3 p.m.:
- I didn’t kiss my partner goodbye this morning. In fact, I can’t remember if I even kissed him goodnight last night. Guilt x 2.
- I didn’t walk my dog long enough during lunch.
- I dropped my baby off at his babysitter’s in pajamas.
- I left my baby with a sitter—this guilt is intense; I thought I had moved past this.
- Although I’m working from home, I’ve spent more time on household chores than on actual work tasks.
- I haven’t accomplished enough around the house.
- I spent $60 on a custom baby book from Etsy, but I haven’t filled in a single page.
- I haven’t swapped out my seasonal clothes because I feel too lazy.
- I stopped pumping.
- I can’t afford to buy my son those adorable plaid shirts and cardigans I see on Pinterest, so he wears hand-me-down sweatpants daily.
- I treated myself to coffee from a fancy shop instead of using the coffee maker at home.
- I haven’t worn makeup in months (seriously).
- I haven’t worn my hair down in weeks (not joking).
- I haven’t gone to the gym since giving birth, but I refuse to cancel my membership since I plan to start going to spin class next week.
There was a time when guilt didn’t cloud my thoughts. Before I became responsible for another human’s well-being, I didn’t think twice about indulgences like those expensive new boots or an extra glass of wine.
Perhaps guilt is an intrinsic part of motherhood.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the emotional challenges of motherhood, particularly the pervasive guilt that many mothers experience. The author shares personal anecdotes about the guilt felt during pregnancy and in the early stages of motherhood, highlighting how these feelings can persist even when a child is healthy and thriving. The narrative emphasizes that guilt may be an integral part of the maternal experience, illustrating the pressures and expectations placed on mothers.
Keyphrase: guilt and motherhood
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