Every morning, as I take my children to daycare, we engage in a familiar exchange.
“Mom, will you pick us up later?”
“Absolutely, my little ones, I always come back!”
“Mom, are you really coming back?”
“I sure am! I always return.”
I embrace them, planting kisses on their cheeks, and then I walk away.
Yet, for several months now, a haunting thought has woven itself into my daily routine. What if one day something unforeseen occurs and I fail to return? What if, one day, I don’t come back?
No matter the duration of my absence—be it five minutes or an entire day—I always say goodbye with a promise of my return. When they seek reassurance, asking if I’ll be back, I affirm, “I will always return.” I pray that this remains true. However, the harsh reality is that we can never be certain; there is a tangible possibility that someday, I may not come back. This thought weighs heavily on me as a mother, especially as a single parent.
I am fortunate to have a loving family who would step in for my children if ever needed, ensuring they receive love and care. But that’s not the crux of the matter. When my children ask if I’ll return, they’re not merely inquiring about who will come to collect them. They are seeking the assurance that I, their mother, will be there for them every day. Will I always be their anchor? Can they trust in my presence, even when I’m physically absent? This is the reassurance they truly seek.
This concern transcends the present moment and influences their entire lives. Children inherently need the stability of knowing their parents are nearby, that their mother will be there for them in times of need, and that she will return without fail, no matter the circumstances.
The reality is, I won’t be around forever. There will come a day when I will take my final breath, and I won’t return. My fervent hope is that this day is many decades away. I want to witness every milestone in my children’s lives: their first steps, their academic achievements, their future weddings. I never want a day to pass where they look for my presence and find it absent.
At their young ages of three and almost two, these daily questions may stem from routine and a yearning for certainty. Yet, I believe their inquiries also arise from a deeper insecurity. They know they have another parent who is not present consistently—a parent who often doesn’t return. This understanding likely intensifies their need for reassurance regarding my daily return, even though they have never had a reason to doubt it. I am glad to offer that assurance, but I can’t ignore the thought of a future where I might not be able to keep that promise, even if that day is far off.
As a mother, one of my deepest fears is departing this world too soon, leaving my children without their mother before we are ready. But are any of us ever truly ready for that eventuality? I hold similar fears as a daughter. Even as a 30-year-old and a mother of three, I dread the day when my own mother may not return. I still need her now just as much as I did in my childhood.
My children will always rely on me, whether it’s to pick them up from daycare or to support them on significant occasions in their lives. A child will always seek their mother’s presence. Conversely, a mother’s role is to be there, even in spirit. I pray that I am granted the time to fulfill this role for as long as possible.
When the day inevitably arrives that I can no longer return, I hope my children will carry my essence within them, feeling my love and knowing I did everything I could to be present in their lives. I want them to understand that I was their biggest supporter, capable of traversing any distance to be with them. I hope that with every breath they take, they feel my presence, even when I am gone.
As long as I can, I will always come back.
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In summary, the bond between a mother and her children is profound, filled with love and the promise of presence. While the fears of absence and loss can be overwhelming, the legacy of love and support is what ultimately endures.
Keyphrase: What If I Don’t Return?
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