I generally relish engaging with others. I’m quite social and enjoy conversing, expecting a natural flow filled with laughter, understanding, and camaraderie. However, that expectation drastically shifted once I became a parent. The number of utterly perplexing, contentious discussions I’ve had with my older child (the younger one isn’t articulating yet) has likely reached into the hundreds. Below are 10 completely nonsensical arguments I’ve found myself having with my 5-year-old.
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Is Today Sunday?
On Sundays, my son receives his allowance, which he splits between saving and spending. He’s aiming for a $3 squishy toy pumpkin that curiously wears a witch’s hat. He frequently asks me what day it is. While I generally have a firm grasp on the days of the week, any day that isn’t Sunday prompts him to argue that it is, in fact, Sunday. His persistence leads me to second-guess myself. Maybe it is Sunday? I wonder as we walk to school, scanning for other parents and children. -
Is It Morning Yet?
More times than I can count, I’ve crouched beside his bed in the dead of night, hissing, “It’s still dark! Go back to sleep!” while he insists he can see “glimmers of light” and would “like some cereal please.” -
Is His Brother Touching Him?
His brother is fast asleep in the car seat, the only thing touching him is a puddle of drool. “No one is touching you!” I exclaim from the front seat for the umpteenth time in an hour. -
Is a Shirt Really Necessary?
On a chilly 34-degree day, my son is determined to leave the house in nothing but shorts. After the tenth insistence that it’s too cold, I relent and let him step outside half-naked to find out for himself. -
How Much Toilet Paper Is Enough?
I suggest “a small handful.” Apparently, this translates to the entire roll, unraveled into a long streamer that he waves inefficiently near his backside. -
What Does “Washing Your Hands” Entail?
Does it mean dipping just the tips of your fingers in the water for a moment? Does it involve playing in the water until the sink overflows? These are the pressing questions we are tackling. -
What Is His Brother’s Name?
To be fair, this was a conversation from when he was 3 years old, shortly after we returned home from the hospital with his younger sibling. I shared the lovely name we chose, only for him to shake his head and declare, “Nope, it’s Allie.” I responded, “Sorry, buddy, that’s not it,” but he wouldn’t relent, making me wonder if we should change the name after all. -
What Constitutes “Quiet Time”?
Does it mean loud singing? How soft should soft singing be? Does it permit jumping off furniture? I never expected to be debating the nuances of “thump.” -
How Urgent Is Urgent?
I’ve swerved off the highway at 60 mph, hurried both kids into the bathroom, only to watch my 5-year-old stroll casually to the hand dryer, fiddling with the controls. When I finally say, “Buddy, you said it was urgent,” he casually replies, “Oh, yeah,” and saunters into a stall. -
What Counts as a Bite?
“Just try a bite of casserole or roasted broccoli,” I say. He lifts a forkful and touches it to his lips. “That’s not a bite,” I insist, only to hear him argue, “Oh, yes it is.” I find myself defining “bite” as if I’m in a heated political debate. Eventually, I concede, “Just wave the broccoli near your mouth; that’ll do.”
Perhaps as they grow older, our conversations will return to some semblance of coherence. Yet, as I hear from friends with teenagers, it seems the discussions will merely shift to arguing about curfews. I can already picture it, with me contesting that 4 a.m. isn’t a “reasonable” hour. “There are glimmers of light!” I’ll declare, serving him a bowl of cereal.
In summary, parenting is filled with absurd and nonsensical discussions that can leave you questioning your sanity. Yet, these moments also serve as reminders of the whimsical and unpredictable nature of childhood. For those interested in parenting and home insemination, resources such as Healthline provide valuable insights, while Make a Mom offers excellent products for home insemination. Additionally, their at-home insemination kit is a comprehensive resource for those exploring parenthood.
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