As a stay-at-home mom, I often find myself grappling with feelings of embarrassment. I frequently make excuses for my choices, constantly justifying my time to myself. It feels as if the judgment is not from the outside world, but rather a battle within. When I finally have a moment to breathe, I push myself to be productive, convinced that taking a break to scroll through my phone is simply too lazy.
This piece isn’t about debating society’s value of stay-at-home parents; that discussion has been had. Instead, I ponder how we perceive our self-worth in light of societal expectations after making our choices. For instance, if I told you that recently I enjoyed three glorious hours while my kids were at school, choosing to spend an hour and a half in a yoga class instead of stressing about chores or job applications, how would you perceive me? Perhaps you might think I’m spoiled or privileged—after all, who has time for yoga in the middle of a weekday?
These assumptions, I recognize, are heavily influenced by cultural standards. The crux of the matter lies not in the decision to be a stay-at-home parent, but in our culture’s disdain for idleness. In American society, being busy is often equated with importance: “Busyness serves as a form of existential reassurance; if you’re fully booked, your life must have meaning.”
Stay-at-home parents often feel compelled to prove that we are valuable and not insignificant by keeping ourselves busy—not only to others but also to ourselves. In a world that idolizes busyness, I wonder how my occasional midday coffee run or yoga session impacts my perceived worth. I find myself fitting the stereotype that many look down upon and, unfortunately, I have begun to internalize that disdain.
In a culture that celebrates those who seemingly do it all—cooking, cleaning, running businesses, and organizing events—it becomes challenging to gauge my own value. This societal pressure perpetuates the so-called “Mommy Wars,” where we argue over who is busier, and therefore more significant. It’s a trivial pursuit, really. Why does it matter who is deemed more essential based on a packed calendar? Ultimately, we are all irreplaceable to our families, and that should matter most.
I don’t aspire to do everything and be overwhelmed and exhausted. While many women thrive in that model, I’ve realized that it doesn’t suit my family or me. My family is more content with a calmer version of me.
Yet, I continue to wrestle with self-judgment informed by the culture of busyness. A memory from high school lingers: a teacher donned in a ridiculous costume, preaching the value of hard work, symbolizing the Puritan work ethic that still affects my thoughts. This internalized belief has led me to measure myself against a standard of relentless toil.
To mend this internal conflict, we must begin to value moments of stillness. A dear friend of mine once expressed, “I love my life! I get to stay home and create, and yes, some days I simply sit on the couch for a while—why should I feel guilty about that?” Implicit in her question is a profound truth: why should I apologize for living a life others might envy? If I manage my responsibilities and care for my family, I should feel free to enjoy life, even if that includes lounging with a taco or two!
As I approach 40, I embrace the changes that come with age, realizing I shouldn’t be concerned with others’ opinions. I have learned to appreciate those who juggle many roles while wishing to comfort them with the reminder that they don’t have to do it all. Busyness is not a measure of success; it is essential to prioritize what truly matters.
The key question is: why do I care about others’ perceptions? It ultimately boils down to my own self-perception. I aim to shift my mindset and embrace my life fully.
In summary, being a stay-at-home mom may come with societal pressures, but it is essential to recognize the value of taking time for oneself. By embracing moments of stillness and self-care, we can challenge the perception of busyness as a status symbol.
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