In my neighborhood, there resides an individual who strikes me as somewhat unusual. While he maintains a tidy appearance, engages with those passing by, and cares for his garden, there’s an underlying instinct that prompts me to remain cautious. This man frequently greets my five-year-old son, often commenting on his attire—currently a Batman shirt. Initially, this seemed harmless. However, during a recent encounter, he crouched down to my son’s level and, with an intense expression, said, “You’re a big help to your mom, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Look me in the eye. Look me in the eye.”
My son, however, was not making eye contact; he was focused on the ground, a common reaction for a child who senses reprimand. The man persisted, “Look me in the eye,” for a third time, prompting me to interject kindly, “He doesn’t have to look you in the eye.” Taken aback, the man stood up, conceding with, “Well, you’re a big help to your mom.”
I suspect he would perceive this incident as an example of a mother failing to instill respect in her child, while I interpret it as a troubling display of dominance that some men exert over boys.
Upon becoming a parent, one becomes acutely aware of the gender conditioning prevalent in our society. This conditioning, when observed in children, often highlights the absurdity of rigid gender roles. Recently, I witnessed a mother at a playground chastise her daughter repeatedly for revealing her frilly underwear. It begs the question—who dressed her in that outfit?
The socialization of boys is less overtly noticeable to me, likely because I am conditioned to view their behaviors as the norm, whereas girls are often expected to embody a “feminine” role, which diverges from the concept of “normal.” Nevertheless, we do indeed socialize boys to conform to our notions of masculinity. Like many parents, I often worry about my son’s ability to assert himself, echoing a friend’s concern that her son ought to “advocate” for himself. This collective anxiety regarding boys being overshadowed stands in stark contrast to how we typically perceive the challenges faced by girls.
Both genders should learn to assert themselves, yet we seem to excel at teaching girls inclusivity, empathy, and the importance of nurturing friendships. An article in Pacific Standard discusses how men rank among the loneliest demographics, attributing this loneliness to a lack of social skills learned during upbringing that are crucial for maintaining friendships.
I ponder whether the pressure for boys to be tough, suppress their emotions, and “stand up for themselves” might hinder their capacity to cultivate meaningful relationships. The neighbor’s insistence on my son demonstrating deference leads me to consider whether we socialize boys more towards hierarchy and dominance, rather than empathy and support.
Conversely, girls receive a clear message to prioritize the needs of others, to mediate conflicts, and to maintain harmony. While this is an important lesson, excessive self-sacrifice can be detrimental. Girls and women must also focus on their own needs and assert themselves.
However, boys must equally learn to consider others’ perspectives, practice forgiveness, and de-escalate tensions rather than imposing their will. I hope my son fosters inclusivity in his kindergarten setting, reaching out to shy or quiet classmates and inviting them to participate in games during recess. Connection can occur without the necessity of direct eye contact.
This article originally appeared on October 2, 2015.
In summary, the socialization of boys regarding masculinity encompasses a complex interplay of behaviors and expectations that can significantly impact their relationships and emotional development. Encouraging empathy, cooperation, and understanding in boys is essential for nurturing well-rounded individuals. For more information on related topics, feel free to explore our other blog posts, including this one about home insemination kits, which provide valuable insights into family planning. Additionally, this resource offers comprehensive information about pregnancy and home insemination, making it an excellent reference.
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