My son engages in self-harm.
My precious, kind-hearted, loving 7-year-old son engages in self-harm.
And it shatters my heart.
Saying those words out loud feels surreal. I never imagined I’d find myself uttering the phrases “self-harm” and “7-year-old son” in the same breath. Self-harm typically evokes images of troubled teenagers concealing their pain, but I can assure you that when Leo chooses to self-harm, it is anything but a secret. Everyone within earshot is aware.
This behavior is a part of Leo’s life; it’s how he navigates the overwhelming sensory experiences the world throws at him. It is intertwined with his autism. Leo was diagnosed with autism at just 18 months old. At that time, my understanding of autism was virtually nonexistent—I knew only what I had seen in films like Rain Man, which hardly painted an accurate picture. Now, more than five years later, autism occupies my thoughts daily.
Leo first began exhibiting self-harming behaviors around the age of two. One moment, he would be joyful, and the next, he would drop to his knees in tears, bouncing up and down while crying more intensely. This behavior was alarming, but at the time, we were still trying to understand autism, and we couldn’t quite decipher what these episodes meant. Since Leo is nonverbal, we initially thought he might just be frustrated about not being able to express his needs.
As time passed, his behaviors escalated and extended in duration. That’s when we learned about “meltdowns.” A tantrum is a controlled response to wanting something, often leading to a request for attention, while a meltdown is an overwhelming reaction to sensory overload, leaving the individual confused and frightened. Identifying the triggers for Leo’s meltdowns has proven challenging, as they seem to occur without any clear pattern.
After the knee bouncing, it evolved into foot stomping—slamming his heels, toes, and the sides of his feet into the ground. He began to jump from furniture to his knees as a form of release. Then, around two years ago, he started to use his hands more actively. Initially, he would slap his arms, legs, and feet until they were raw. Eventually, he began to hit objects, seeking out walls or furniture to slam his hands against. In a particularly distressing turn of events, he began to slap his face, which quickly became his primary focus. Observing someone repeatedly strike themselves in the face is profoundly unsettling.
Try this: slap your own face as if you’re expressing anger towards someone else. Now, do it continuously for 20 or 30 times. Most people would instinctively pull back, but Leo seems to lack that internal restraint. Tears stream down his face, yet he continues—switching between hitting his face and the side of his head, even clenching his fists and punching himself.
About two years ago, the intensity and frequency of these meltdowns surged. For a period of two to three months, he would experience meltdowns lasting up to eight hours a day, at any time—even waking up in the middle of the night to slap himself in a half-asleep state.
It feels as though there are two versions of Leo battling within him. During a meltdown, he transforms into a version of himself that lashes out, but instead of targeting others, he directs all his fury inward. Once the storm passes, he returns to his cheerful self, carrying on as if nothing had happened.
We have explored numerous avenues for support. We adjusted his diet and sought medical evaluations to uncover potential underlying issues. We attempted to anticipate triggers and prevent meltdowns, distracting him with favorite foods, shows, and activities. We engaged in occupational therapy, massage, and supplements. We even tried ignoring the behavior (a challenging task), ensuring he remained in a safe space to cope.
Initially, the only thing that seemed to soothe him during a meltdown was a drive while listening to music. I found myself taking him for long drives at all hours, sometimes even at 2 a.m., just to help him find some calm.
I’ve felt anger towards him, shouted, cried, and pleaded for him to stop. I’ve restrained him and even tried to distract myself by reading nearby, all while the sounds of his distress echoed around me. There have been times I wished he would take out his frustrations on me instead. Please, I could handle it—just stop hurting yourself.
Over the last year, there have been signs of improvement. Now, Leo typically experiences three to four meltdowns a day, and on good days, they last only a few minutes. On more challenging days, however, they can extend for up to an hour.
I love Leo more than anything, and I embrace the fact that his autism is an integral part of who he is. He is a nonverbal, beautiful, loving, and gentle 7-year-old boy whose smile brings light to my life. I’ve learned to manage his self-harming behaviors with more resilience now. I remain calm during episodes, striving to identify and alleviate the stressors that may be overwhelming him. Even if he experiences an hour-long meltdown, I reassure myself that it will end and he will be alright.
Yet, if I’m truly honest, each episode still breaks my heart a little.
For more information on navigating parenting challenges, you might find this resource on pregnancy beneficial. Also, if you’re exploring at-home insemination options, consider checking out this at-home intracervical insemination syringe kit or the Cryobaby home kit for additional support.
Summary
The article discusses the challenges of a parent whose 7-year-old son, diagnosed with autism, engages in self-harming behaviors as a coping mechanism for overwhelming sensory experiences. The parent shares their journey of understanding and managing their son’s meltdowns, which have evolved over time and become more intense. Despite the ongoing challenges, the parent expresses love and acceptance for their son, acknowledging that while they are learning to cope better, the pain of witnessing their child’s struggles remains.
Keyphrase
“self-harm in children”
Tags
[“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]