By: Mia Thompson
Updated: Feb. 11, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 2, 2015
As a parent, I often observe my 5-year-old son, Max, navigating through his projects with a mix of determination and frustration. Whether he’s stacking building blocks or piecing together Lego sets to create an elaborate train bridge, his imagination knows no bounds. While I usually refrain from intervening, opting instead to handle the reading and snack duties, I frequently hear his exasperated cries from the living room. In many instances, his enthusiasm may lead to a dramatic collapse of his creations, resulting in a stormy exit and tears. Yet, what’s striking is his ability to eventually return to the task at hand. His response to setbacks mirrors that of my partner, Tom, who also takes a brief pause to vent before diving back into his projects. They tend to view failures as isolated incidents, not as reflections of their self-worth.
I can’t help but wonder how different things might be if I had daughters. Reflecting on my own experiences, I realize I often struggle with quitting and disappointment. For me, failure feels personal; a toppled bridge signifies not just a lack of engineering prowess, but an indictment of my intelligence. This aversion to failure keeps me from attempting new things, often leading me back to safer pursuits like reading, where success feels more assured.
Rachel Simmons, writing for Time, highlights this gender disparity in how failure affects children. Her insights align with findings from Jessica Lahey’s book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, which emphasizes that children thrive when parents allow them to experience setbacks. Paradoxically, facing challenges fosters resilience and grit.
Simmons further explains that girls often interpret mistakes as inherent limitations, making it tough for them to view failure as a learning opportunity. In contrast, boys tend to attribute their setbacks to controllable factors. This difference is partly shaped by the feedback girls receive, which often focuses on their perceived abilities rather than constructive criticism.
Another significant factor is socialization. Girls are frequently taught to seek approval from others, making the sting of failure feel more profound. They may internalize setbacks as disappointments to their teachers or parents, which can hinder their intrinsic motivation. Boys, on the other hand, might be less affected by external opinions, granting them greater freedom to pursue their interests without the burden of self-doubt.
In my parenting approach, I make a conscious effort to praise Max’s efforts rather than labeling him as “smart.” This aligns with motivational research that suggests recognizing hard work builds resilience. Observing his persistence in tackling building projects has prompted me to reflect on my own tendencies to shy away from challenges. Perhaps I need to cultivate my own intrinsic motivation, starting with reading my current book.
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In summary, while boys and girls experience failure differently, fostering resilience through appropriate support and feedback can help mitigate the impact of setbacks. Encouraging children to engage with their challenges can ultimately lead to personal growth, regardless of gender.
Keyphrase: Understanding Gender Differences in Failure
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