In my 15 years as a parent, the most frequently shared piece of unsolicited advice has been a simple phrase: “just wait.” Friends with tweens and teens would see me enjoying time with my young children and caution me, “They’re so pleasant now, just wait.” The warnings often revolved around typical, yet negative teenage behaviors – talking back, hiding grades, lying, slamming doors, or calling me the worst parent ever. I dreaded the thought of my children becoming disrespectful, but I had my rebellious phase (and according to my mother-in-law, my spouse was once dubbed the “Teenage Troublemaker”). Thus, I begrudgingly accepted that this transformation was inevitable.
As my kids grew older and still exhibited none of these expected behaviors, the warnings intensified. The most vocal parents were often those with challenging, disconnected, or rebellious teens. They would proclaim their fears, suggesting that my happy and well-adjusted children would soon turn into the next infamous figures, saying things like, “Just you wait! Wait until they hit middle school and they…” sneak out of the house, get suspended for bullying, try drugs, get arrested, insist on wearing questionable clothing, or engage in inappropriate behaviors. WHAT. ON. EARTH?
Part of me recognized that these parents might have been trying to normalize their children’s troubling actions to lessen their own guilt or feelings of isolation. However, I felt immense sympathy for the kids involved. How could these impressionable youths make positive choices if their parents were anticipating failure? What kind of self-esteem could they cultivate when their parents were sharing their mistakes publicly as cautionary tales?
I refused to believe that a specific age would trigger a transformation in my children. I was weary of being told to prepare for the worst based on a limited sample of individual behaviors. Not all children are the same; nor are our experiences.
For instance, my teens have not yet devolved into troubled youths. Please stop making me feel as though impending doom is lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce, and that if it doesn’t, there must be something amiss with my child. I cannot count how many times I’ve heard parents assert, “I’d rather my child be the bully than the socially awkward nerd.” The two are not mutually exclusive.
We must stop perpetuating the stereotype that all teenagers are destined to be angsty and aloof. As parents, not only do we hold our breath, anticipating difficult days, but we also inadvertently instill these beliefs in our children. Teens shouldn’t feel that having a positive relationship with their parents is abnormal. We shouldn’t feel that nurturing a healthy connection with our teens is unusual. Who else do we expect them to confide in if not us?
Stop insisting that I must relinquish the idea of being both a friend and a mother to my child. These roles can coexist harmoniously. It is entirely possible to cherish my children’s company and vice versa.
I no longer dwell in anxiety, expecting the worst. I choose to engage with my teens with kindness, openness, and honesty, and thus far, they have reciprocated. I respect their autonomy, provide sound guidance, warn them of potential pitfalls, and help them understand consequences. I genuinely laugh at their humor and listen to their sometimes convoluted stories about friends, school, and their favorite content creators. I keep their confidences and encourage their aspirations.
These individuals have been my closest friends from the start, and despite any future challenges, I believe our friendship will endure for a lifetime. Just you wait.
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Summary
This article challenges the notion that all teenagers are destined to be troublesome, emphasizing the importance of fostering positive relationships between parents and teens. By reframing expectations and nurturing open communication, parents can help their children thrive without succumbing to negative stereotypes.
Keyphrase: Positive relationships with teens
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