As my daughter transitioned from 12 to 13, her bedroom door bore a new declaration: “PRIVATE. DO NOT ENTER!!!!!” This message, adorned with fragrant markers and cheerful daisy stickers, effectively communicated her desire for privacy.
Throughout her seventh-grade year, the messages evolved in both clarity and creativity. A devoted fan of “Doctor Who,” she posted a sign reading, “Enter at your own risk: Guarded by Daleks.” Another sign humorously listed exaggerated punishments for those daring enough to enter her domain.
While she never complained about my occasional intrusions, these signs illustrated her journey towards independence, marking her room as a “Room of Her Own,” albeit in a junior edition. Initially, I felt a pang of sadness at losing a part of my daughter’s childhood, but I soon recognized the importance of having her own space. We are incredibly fortunate to share our lives, yet we also need moments of solitude. As the saying goes, good fences make good neighbors, and our family dynamic flourishes with the presence of closed doors.
My older daughter had adopted this practice two and a half years earlier, closing her door nightly. There were times I knocked impatiently, even banging on the door when she didn’t respond. This was particularly frustrating, given her struggles to get out of bed in the morning. I often found myself exclaiming, “How can you lock me out while still needing so much from me?”
The question I refrained from asking was, “Why wouldn’t you want my company?”
However, with my second daughter, I find it easier to accept the locked doors and the colorful, emphatic signs. I’ve navigated this path before and witnessed my first daughter emerge from the complexities of adolescence. Now approaching 17, she no longer finds me embarrassing. Rather, she’s polite and understanding, so I no longer take offense when she requests some space.
My younger daughter, like me, is a budding writer. She can spend hours crafting stories, such as a unique retelling of Cinderella featuring a blue-haired alien. At her age, she excels at beginnings, often writing song lyrics reminiscent of Carrie Underwood’s themes, exploring heartbreaks she has yet to experience. She continually produces poetry.
When she retreats to her room, I understand it’s not an escape from me, but rather a journey toward herself. Echoing Virginia Woolf’s sentiments from nearly a century ago, she instinctively recognizes that a woman who writes—even a young one—requires a sanctuary where creativity can flourish.
I relate to this deeply, as I, too, seek quiet spaces to write amidst the distractions of daily life. Our home is a shared space, a privilege I cherish. Yet, there are days I yearn for a dedicated room for writing, free from the obligations of household chores. If I had such a space, I would hang a sign on the door: “KEEP OUT! WRITER AT WORK!!!!!!!!!” without any decorations.
Though I still occasionally interrupt my daughters, my experience as a mother of teenagers has refined my approach. I’ve learned the importance of enforcing certain rules while allowing them the freedom to retreat into their own worlds when needed. Yes, chores like cleaning up after dinner must be done, and homework takes precedence over leisure activities.
In just two years, my eldest will graduate high school, and in five years, my youngest will be 19. They will soon discover their own paths and establish their own spaces, removing the signs from their doors as they grow into secure, independent individuals.
Without the responsibilities of nurturing and guiding them daily, I will have ample time to write. Yet, I know I will miss those signs on their doors that signified their journey toward self-discovery.
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Summary
This article reflects on the evolving nature of parenting, particularly in relation to teenage daughters seeking their independence. As children grow, they establish personal spaces that signify their development, prompting parents to adapt and embrace these changes. While the author recognizes the bittersweet nature of these transitions, she finds solace in the understanding that such independence is essential for their growth.
Keyphrase: “A Space of Her Own”
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