In conversations regarding parenting, it is common to encounter concerns about the influence of external factors on children. A fellow mother once asked, “Aren’t you worried about what they’ll bring into your home?” as she rummaged through her bag for hand sanitizer. My response was simple: “Not really.”
When it comes to germs, I feel reassured. Over nearly six years, my daughter, Mia, has been ill only twice and has missed just one day of school. However, what she has inadvertently introduced into our home is far more concerning, and there is no simple cleaning solution for that.
I am acutely aware of the impact language has on children. I grew up surrounded by peers who were never overtly criticized for their looks, yet their mothers’ relentless dieting and talk of being “good” or “bad” left lasting marks. Consequently, I have been intentional about sharing meals with Mia, whether we’re enjoying carrots or cake, without commenting on my own body. She has never heard her father or me use derogatory terms such as “fat” or criticize someone’s appearance. When Mia inquired about individuals who appeared overweight, I encouraged her to think compassionately, suggesting we should send them love as they might be uncomfortable. My aim has been to cultivate empathy in her.
However, I quickly learned that one cannot simply select a parenting approach and expect it to hold firm, even in the heart of urban life. One evening, at the age of three, Mia pushed her plate aside, refusing her cherry tomatoes, and declared, “I don’t want to get fat.” Her best friend’s mother is entrenched in the fashion industry—think high fashion, Fashion Week, and even acquaintances with prominent figures in the field. This environment influences Mia, leading her to adopt phrases and ideas that I had hoped to shield her from.
Mia’s friend often walks through our home commenting on her appearance and the foods she dislikes. “I hate pink hats, I hate the cartoon Doc McStuffins, I hate dogs.” I respond, “We don’t say ‘hate.’ It’s not a nice word.” Yet, I can see Mia grappling with the contrast between my perspective and that of her friend, who seems to exude a coolness I can’t compete with.
In a moment that shocked me, while I was tucking her in among her stuffed animals, Mia whispered, “Goodnight, n_____.” My immediate reaction was disbelief. After confirming with my husband that we had indeed heard her correctly, we lowered our voices and firmly stated, “You may NEVER use that word again.”
Standing outside her room, decorated with her colorful handprint collages, I was baffled. How had these words infiltrated our home, a space I believed to be filled with kindness? My husband was ready to call her school’s headmistress. “No, no,” I insisted. “She didn’t hear it there.” “How can you be sure?” he countered, fearing I might reveal that I allowed her to listen to inappropriate music or watch unsuitable shows. The reality was that her preschool, located amidst fast food joints and cinemas, often had teens shouting derogatory terms as we waited to cross the street.
Sitting on the floor, I realized that while it is possible to curate a child’s environment to a degree, the reality is that such influences can arise faster than anticipated. I recognized the necessity to explain to Mia why certain words are unacceptable, age-appropriately, of course.
The following evening, I sat her down after dinner and said, “We don’t say ‘hate’ because we don’t truly hate anything. What we dislike is how that thing or person makes us feel—perhaps powerless or scared. It’s okay to feel that way, but we can change those feelings.” She contemplated this, and I continued, “And we don’t use that word you said last night because it is hurtful.”
Mia pondered this and then asked, “But why do the kids laugh when they say it?” It was a valid question, one that revealed the complexity of the situation. I did my best to provide an explanation, navigating my own feelings of discomfort and guilt. This is the unique challenge of parenthood: it compels us to reassess our beliefs and articulate them clearly. In the long run, this process fosters growth and understanding in both parent and child. For now, I’ll keep positive messages in the background, especially when her friend’s mother comes by.
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In summary, parenting is a journey filled with unexpected lessons and the need to adapt as our children encounter the world. The language they adopt can reflect influences beyond our control, making it crucial to engage in open discussions about empathy and the power of words.
Keyphrase: Parenting and Language
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