Updated: September 3, 2023
Originally Published: July 18, 2015
“I’m overwhelmed. I’m attempting to prepare dinner, and the kids won’t stop asking for my attention. There are THREE of them and just ONE of me, and I can’t even manage to get the LIGHTBULB into the ridiculous bathroom fixture!”
That’s how I greeted my partner, Mark, when he stepped through the door last night. No friendly salutation. No smile. Definitely no kiss, and given that I hadn’t showered, he probably avoided that for good reason. Instead, I unleashed a torrent of frustration about lightbulbs and chaos. It was my lowest moment, and it was the first thing he encountered upon arriving home.
Things settled down after dinner was finally served. While I tidied up the kitchen, Mark came in, wrapped his arms around me, and said, “I’m sorry you had such a challenging day.” In that moment, I felt a pang of guilt—I realized that my day hadn’t actually been that rough. It was, in fact, quite ordinary. There were enjoyable moments mixed with some challenges, but nothing particularly taxing had occurred throughout the day. The kids created delightful artwork, we decorated their cardboard tunnel together, and they relished their lunch featuring applesauce and cheese. Even though the twins didn’t nap, the baby managed a peaceful three-hour sleep. Overall, the day could have been much worse.
The underlying pressure, however, was building. I was sautéing mushrooms, stirring beans, and microwaving rice while the twins insisted on my attention during potty time, claiming it was “too dark to pee” without a new bulb in the antiquated bathroom fixture. Meanwhile, the baby was tearing apart their carefully crafted drawings, leading to a chorus of upset voices from her sisters. To top it all off, the dog had an unfortunate accident on the floor, and the scent mixed with the aroma of burning beans—a perfect storm just as Mark arrived home.
He walked in on a sweaty, irritable wife and assumed my day had been a disaster. But upon reflection, I realized a crucial truth: Mark rarely sees me at my best.
When I am at my best, I am witty, creative, and full of enthusiasm. At my worst, I can be impatient, irritable, and withdrawn. While I often manage to bring my best self to my children and occasionally to my writing, I fear my husband only witnesses my more chaotic side.
This worries me. I fear he might think I’m perpetually stressed and yelling while managing the kids alone. But that’s not the full picture. He misses the moments when I’m energized and engaged, right around mid-morning after I’ve had coffee and the initial rush has subsided. That’s when I can clean the kitchen, brush my teeth, and even sneak in a shower. Those are the moments filled with laughter, reading together, and spontaneous crafts.
Unfortunately, Mark typically sees me first thing in the morning, groggy and surrounded by a whirlwind of milk cups and toast requests. Then, he encounters me again at the end of the day, utterly drained. We do have weekends, but they often lack the relaxation one might expect. Occasionally, we manage to slip away for a date, but those moments are few and far between.
I cherish the fact that I can be authentic around Mark; he loves me without concern for my appearance. I know he appreciates our partnership and the family we’ve built together. Yet, I long for the opportunity to be playful, engaging, and attractive when I’m with him. I want him to see that I’m more than just a frazzled mom in a food-stained t-shirt. He likely knows this about me, but how long can he hold onto that belief without seeing evidence? How can I present my best self? What do other stay-at-home moms do to achieve this balance? Do these thoughts cross his mind as well?
Perhaps this struggle is a common phase of parenting young children. I hope that as I carve out some time for myself, through activities like reading, writing, and exercising, I will regain the energy to be my best self when Mark is around. Maybe then I can stop losing my cool over lightbulbs and pull on a fresh t-shirt every now and then. We both deserve that.
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Summary
This article explores the challenges many mothers face in balancing their roles as caregivers and partners. It highlights the emotional struggle of feeling overwhelmed and the desire to present one’s best self to a spouse, even amid the chaos of parenting young children. The author reflects on the importance of self-care and the need for understanding in a partnership.
Keyphrase: Balancing motherhood and partnership
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