Updated: Jan. 14, 2016
Originally Published: June 19, 2015
During the summer as my daughter Lily turned ten, my parents spent considerable time with my children, which opened an important dialogue. My father, in particular, took the opportunity to share his insights on Lily and her brother, Ethan. One evening after dinner, he expressed a concern: our close relationship might lead to over-identification. He cautioned about the risks of becoming too intertwined.
I felt a twinge of discomfort, as his worry echoed my own. However, I countered by highlighting Lily’s boldness in attending sleepaway camp before any of her friends, without a familiar face by her side.
Leaning back in his chair, my father nodded thoughtfully, acknowledging my perspective. His validation of Lily’s adventurous spirit underscored our similarities and his deep understanding of my parenting joys and anxieties. It also reminded me of how I had internalized the value of independence from my childhood experiences.
A defining moment from my fourth-grade gym class came to mind. We were set to ice skate but needed a parent’s permission note to skate without a helmet. Embarrassed at the thought of wearing a helmet, I kept pestering my mother until she finally told me to ask my father. He agreed to help but wrote a rather formal note, stating, “Recognizing that risk is an inherent and important fact of life, we gladly permit Emma to skate without a helmet.”
Despite my embarrassment, I eventually understood that my father’s humor was his way of critiquing what he deemed an unreasonable rule. This moment reflected the values my parents instilled in me: the importance of independence and the courage to embrace life’s risks.
Today, I cherish my children’s displays of self-reliance. Their bravery fills me with pride, often more than their skills or talents. Yet, I sometimes question whether I emphasize independence too much. Am I pushing them away too soon, too far? I grapple with the balance between encouraging autonomy and ensuring they feel secure in our bond.
I also believe that autonomy is linked to a broader perspective on life. While my children are the most important parts of my world, I want them to recognize that they are not the center of it. By gently nudging them beyond their comfort zones, I encourage them to grow and appreciate the vast world beyond our family—a world where they can navigate challenges, like turning in an embarrassing note to their teacher and skating away without a helmet.
This understanding helps me overcome worries that I might weaken the bond that connects us. I firmly believe that fostering my children’s independence teaches them about their own power and agency in life. Does trusting my children as capable individuals not require me to trust myself as well? I have to believe they will act responsibly and that I have established appropriate boundaries for them. Acknowledging this has helped me realize that I do indeed trust myself; my actions with my children affirm this.
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In summary, trusting my children to become independent individuals compels me to trust myself as a parent. This journey requires a careful balance of encouraging autonomy while nurturing our close relationship. Ultimately, teaching them to stand on their own helps them recognize their agency in a complex world.
Keyphrase: Trusting Children Requires Trusting Yourself
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