I find myself at a crossroads after nearly 12 years of marriage. During our time together, we have built a life that includes a home, a vehicle, a pet rabbit, and three children. We’ve experienced a mix of joyful and challenging moments, but now I feel compelled to seek a divorce—a thought that terrifies me to voice.
My husband is not a bad person; in fact, he is well-regarded in our community. Friends often compliment him, calling him kind and lovely. My mother boasts about his good nature, reinforcing the perception that I am fortunate to be married to him. Yet, despite this seemingly perfect façade, I find it difficult to admit I want out of our marriage.
We don’t have conflicts; he is not abusive, and I have no romantic interests elsewhere. Instead, we have simply grown apart. With our youngest child now in school, I’ve faced difficulties securing employment, which has impacted my self-worth. I often feel that my only value lies in being a mother. It’s been ages since my husband complimented me or even acknowledged my presence in a meaningful way. The intimacy has faded; it has been over a year since we were intimate, and at 35, I fear a life devoid of that connection.
This admission feels shallow, as if I am focused solely on physical needs. However, it is not just about the act itself. I crave affection and spontaneity—simple gestures like a warm embrace or an unexpected kiss while cooking. Instead, our relationship has devolved into a platonic bond reminiscent of siblings.
Financial struggles compound my feelings of discontent. While we manage to pay the bills and support our children, the cost of living continues to rise. My husband often reminds me to be grateful for what we have, and while I do appreciate our children and our home, I yearn for more. I want to provide music lessons, enjoy vacations, and dine out without financial anxiety clouding our plans.
I’ve encouraged my husband to pursue better-paying opportunities, but he insists I should also find work. The job market for part-time roles that accommodate my children is competitive, and rejection has become a common theme in my job search. I envision a better life for both myself and my children, and I refuse to be the “miserable mommy.” I want to give my kids a joyful upbringing, devoid of financial worries that prevent them from participating in activities they desire.
There’s a fear of judgment associated with my feelings. Society often views divorce initiated by women with skepticism unless there are clear reasons such as infidelity or abuse. I worry how others will perceive my desire to leave a seemingly perfect man. I have seen friends face harsh criticism after similar decisions, labeled as selfish or cruel, and the thought of being viewed in that light is daunting.
I lament my resignation and lack of courage to change my circumstances. It pains me to feel bitterness toward a fundamentally good person, and I recognize this internal struggle is detrimental to my well-being. Recently, I found myself advising my daughter to stand up against unkindness, yet I fail to heed my own wisdom.
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Summary
The author reflects on the complexities of feeling trapped in a seemingly perfect marriage, grappling with the desire for divorce despite societal stigma. Financial struggles, lack of intimacy, and a yearning for a more fulfilling life as a mother drive her contemplation of separation.
Keyphrase: “fear of divorce”
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