Six months ago, as my eldest daughter embarked on her senior year of high school, I made a promise to myself. I even documented it in a blog post. I assured myself that letting go would be easier this time around with my younger child. However, now, as I reflect on these past months, it is clear that my struggles with this transition were greatly underestimated. The harsh winter months in Minnesota have been filled with a whirlwind of emotions, both for me and for my daughter. I found myself grappling with the challenge of separating my feelings from hers, akin to trying to distinguish individual snowflakes in a blizzard.
Standardized tests, college applications, anticipation, hope, and rejection have all taken their toll. The emotional rollercoaster has been dizzying: acceptance brings elation, while uncertainty leads to confusion. He’s prepared. Not even close to it. I find myself wishing for time to freeze, a moment to catch my breath. “I need some space, Mom,” she says. “When will you be back?” The mix of agony and excitement is palpable, leaving me in a state of constant confusion.
Fortunately, as the days grew longer and the temperatures rose, the heaviness of winter began to dissipate. Spring offered a glimpse of hope, illuminating the beauty of change. With my daughter’s college decision finalized and graduation celebrations on the horizon, I still grapple with the emotional weight of this transition. How many warm days will it take to thaw the ice that has formed around my heart?
Amidst the joy of this season and the relief of knowing I’ve done my job, the uncertainty of letting go lingers. This process is both exhilarating and haunting, affecting both mother and child deeply. I can tell my daughter senses my mixed emotions, even when I try to conceal them. Her expressive blue eyes reveal her own internal struggles when she believes I’m not watching.
I wonder if she shares my heightened awareness of time passing. Does she feel the transition from spring to summer, marking it as an end and a new beginning? Or is she fully immersed in the present, relishing the final moments of this stage of her life—something I know I should also focus on? I strive to enjoy these last moments, but my thoughts often drift ahead to the summer, when we will board a flight that takes us 2,000 miles away from her new home. My husband and I will return alone, leaving her to build a life that won’t include our daily routines—a life without goodnight hugs or the joy of her bounding down the stairs each morning, her younger siblings trailing behind like little ducklings.
I find myself cherishing these daily interactions more than ever; they will soon become just memories. Communication will shift to sporadic phone calls and texts, where she may choose to share only what she wants me to know. I doubt she will mention how much she misses me, but I am certain she will feel my absence. Regardless of the distance, my desire to protect and nurture her will remain unchanged.
Spring signifies transformation and the act of letting go, allowing fear to melt away and new beginnings to flourish. It is the final preparation for a young bird’s first flight while the parent must learn to step back. The time is approaching, yet it has not arrived just yet.
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In summary, the emotional journey of letting go as a parent of a college-bound child is complex and multifaceted. It involves navigating feelings of joy and sadness, excitement and anxiety. While the transition is challenging, it is also a time of growth and new beginnings, both for the child and the parent.
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