Do you recall the J. Crew catalogs from the mid-1990s? The ones featuring picture-perfect families, adorned in festive attire, embracing each other in a grand colonial foyer, lavishly decorated for the holidays? The garland was artfully arranged, a kissing ball dangled gracefully overhead, and a lovingly crafted sideboard displayed a handmade cornucopia of glittered fruits.
I longed to create that dreamy holiday atmosphere in my own home. With that aspiration in mind, I dove into the world of crafting, hoping to transform my space into a replica of the J. Crew abode.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t go well. At 32, I have come to terms with the fact that crafting is not my forte. Pinterest terrifies me, and magazines seem to exist solely to mock my efforts. I’ve reached a point where I simply don’t have the energy to care about my lackluster crafting skills. Here are my reasons for accepting that I’m not meant for crafting:
- Glitter: It’s the uninvited guest of the crafting realm—once it’s there, it never truly leaves.
- Craft stores like Hobby Lobby and Michael’s are overwhelming. The aisles are cramped, the dried flowers trigger my allergies, and the checkout lines feel interminable, akin to waiting in a line at the Pearly Gates (with the exit being the actual doors). How is it possible that four tubes of acrylic paint, some cardboard, and glitter stickers can cost me $129.42? I once tried to sip a cocktail before visiting one of these stores, but all that did was make me more likely to loudly ask the lady blocking the wooden stamp section to move.
- Hot glue guns—no, just no.
- Ever thought, “That wreath looks amazing! I can definitely make that!”? In my experience, this enthusiasm leads to four shopping trips, $312 spent, and a week later, I’m exclaiming, “Why did I think this was a good idea? The dog has a seashell glued to her behind, I’ve accidentally sprayed shellac in my eyebrow, and I’m exhausted!” This lament usually directed at my husband, who didn’t even want a wreath to begin with and is now witnessing the chaos I’ve unleashed.
- Martha Stewart. I can’t stand her grinning face on the magazine covers, telling me how to craft the very wreath I’ve failed at. She may be a crafting goddess, but I’m not interested. Sorry not sorry.
- My child’s enthusiasm to “help” is a disaster waiting to happen. It usually results in tiny glass beads scattered across the carpet, which my dog promptly devours, and my child dropping hot glue on her foot in the process.
- Spray paint. I simply lack the patience to cover everything within a five-mile radius with plastic sheeting. This is why a good portion of my balcony floor has been transformed into a vibrant hot pink.
And that, dear readers, is why I have abandoned my dream of creating a sparkling, beautifully adorned J. Crew-style home. My husband has pointed out that my time might be better spent on activities I excel at and enjoy, ones that don’t turn our dining table into a disaster zone or necessitate a trip to the vet. And I’m perfectly fine with that—even if Martha isn’t.
For more about crafting and the joys of home projects, you might enjoy reading our post about the home insemination kit. Additionally, for those interested in fertility options, Cryobaby is an authority on this topic, as is the Fertility Center at Johns Hopkins, which is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, I’ve accepted that crafting is not for me, and I’ll stick to what I enjoy without the mess and chaos.
Keyphrase: Crafting Disasters
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]