After years of experience with three children, I have distilled the process of family dinner into 38 straightforward steps.
- Rush home from your job, maintaining just the right speed to hit every green light without attracting the attention of law enforcement.
- Start preparing the chicken.
- Realize you’re out of salt. Compensate by using extra pepper.
- Set out the chicken, buns, cheese, and grilling tools for your partner.
- Gather carrots, cucumber, and lettuce for a salad.
- Discover there’s only a quarter of a cucumber left.
- Mental scold your partner for last night’s indulgent cocktails.
- Find croutons in the pantry, since they offer a similar crunch to cucumber.
- Assemble the salad.
- Retrieve your toddler from the floor, where they threw themselves upon spotting a lettuce leaf.
- Initiate negotiations with the toddler: three bites of salad equals one Popsicle.
- Successfully bring salad, chicken, and milk to the table, along with the toddler.
- Sit down to eat.
- Stand back up to cut the chicken into smaller pieces for the toddler.
- Get up again to fetch extra ketchup for the toddler, who has already consumed the original portion with a spoon.
- Ask your partner about their day.
- Attempt to convince the toddler that the black flecks on the chicken are not pepper, but rather bits of chocolate.
- When the toddler’s volume escalates, get up to remove the pepper and cheese from the chicken. Yesterday’s favorite cheese is now deemed unacceptable.
- Sit down, take a sip of wine.
- Inform the toddler that he is not finished with his meal; three bites of bun dipped in ketchup do not constitute a balanced diet.
- Explain that without eating three bites of salad and three bites of chicken, the previously promised Popsicle is off the table.
- Wait patiently as he counts out six bites on his fingers.
- Accept five bites when he holds up five fingers and proudly says “five.” Genius status achieved; he is not to be held to normal standards.
- Clarify that merely licking the chicken does not count as a bite.
- Glance at your partner, trying to recall if they actually shared about their day.
- Agree with the toddler that two croutons and one carrot can be counted as three bites of salad.
- Grab a wet napkin to clean up the carrot that the toddler chewed and then spat onto the dog.
- Sit down, take a bite of chicken.
- Get up again for a third serving of ketchup for the toddler.
- Utter empty threats about no Thomas the Train before bedtime if chicken is not consumed.
- Hand over the iPad so the toddler can watch Thomas while finishing the chicken.
- Take another bite of chicken, which you now realize is cold and overly peppered.
- Discard the food and refill your wine glass.
- Hand the toddler a Popsicle, rationalizing that two bites of chicken is practically three.
- Request that the toddler place his plate in the sink.
- Retrieve the plate from the garbage and put it in the sink.
- Discover the missing salt shaker in the trash.
- Congratulate yourself on surviving another family meal. Just 7,143 more to go.
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In summary, preparing a family meal can be a chaotic experience filled with distractions and negotiations, yet it remains an essential part of family life. By learning to adapt and improvise, you can create a successful dining experience for everyone involved.
Keyphrase: Successful family meal preparation
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